It takes a lot to dig us out from our ritual Sunday burial under empty Corona bottles, but when there's "breaking news" to report, we rise to the task. Apparently, Britney Spears will be involved in some marriage-related stunt at the MTV Video Music Awards tonight. So, you know, everyone should tune in to watch the lamest MTV/Spears publicity stunt since...last year's VMAs, when Spears and rapidly fading, semi-naughty icon Madonna engaged in perhaps the least titillating same-sex kiss by anyone without the last name O'Donnell. Our bold prediction: The "wedding" will be performed by Madonna, dressed in some kind of eroticized, shocking-for-1987 priest get-up. (Leather collar? Assless vestments?). And next year, expect a very messy (but completely expected) on-stage Spears suicide. There's really nowhere left to go.

We're going to post your guesses to slow the incredible flood of responses. You clearly relish the opportunity to point The Big Gay Finger at movie stars whenever the opportunity presents itself, and we love you for it.

We apologize for neglecting Ted Casablanca's blind item stepchildren yesterday and depriving you of the usual Thursday guessing game, but sometimes we get quite forgetful in the middle of our early-afternoon heroin nod. (That's right, we occasionally ride the horse, you wanna make something of it?) But since this week's Ted item involves everybody's favorite subject, i.e. "straight" actors and gay sex, it seems like it's worth a little Friday fun. Enjoy One Dude-Durable Blind Vice, and savor Ted's subtle butt-fucking allusion, "such a pain in the well-worked-out behind."

When we saw this story about what regularly-chafed sister site Fleshbot referred to as "Britney Boobenslippen," we knew it was again time to press the official Defamer German translator into service. It should be noted that the translator's not a native speaker, but we think that just leads to more linguistic fun. Is there an English equivalent of "the Slut-Shock"? Well, there should be, and it should be incorrectly tattooed somewhere on Britney's body. If nothing else, we've discovered that there is perhaps nothing funnier than a spottily-translated German white trash joke.

We can't believe we're writing this, having thought we'd all achieved some measure of closure last week. Paris Hilton didn't lose her dog. She left it at her grandparents' house. (And in case you're still incredulous, her rep denied it—we might as well start typesetting the Tinkerbell page in Encyclopedia Britannica.) Can the tabloids have their free publicity back?

The Germans really did say it best: Britney Spears' bizarre insistence on padding barefoot through the world's public restrooms is "mercilessly unhygenic." This time, she's added bad manners to her white-trash repertoire, refusing to wait her turn for the bathroom. It's painfully obvious that she's not going to get better if we, the concerned public, don't stage some sort of intervention.

In what may be the hardest-hitting article we've ever read about Hollywood, Foxnews.com goes deep inside Hollywood's super-secret anti-aging techniques and discovers...plastic surgery and personal trainers! Gasp!

From the Teutonic Gossip Synchronicity Department: A reader sends blogger A Fly On The Wall a (supposedly authentic) picture of Bruce Willis dancing in a gay, German disco. Says Fly, "And I don't think this means Bruce is secretly a friend of Dorothy. I've heard a variety of gossip over the years involving Bruce and women. Nothing about Bruce and men." Amen. Sometimes an action star just needs to go topless and do the "Lean Back" without people making assumptions.

Rooftop Report points us to a German website's pictures of Britney Spears' barefoot exit from a public bathroom in Santa Barbara. Usually, automatic translation tools are sufficient (read: completely hilarious) to get the gist of the foreign coverage of our most prized pop-star exports. This time, we thought it necessary to enlist the official Defamer German translator to truly appreciate a different perspective on Britney's latest paparazzi pictures. Has there ever been a more ruthlessly efficient assessment of Brit's antics than this German writer's turn of phrase "mercilessly unhygenic"? We're willing to bet that our little white trash princess also failed to execute a "H flichkeiterr ten."*"H flichkeitsp len"** Translation is after the jump.

LA.comfidential's hipster-bating Laurie Pike critiques scenester/local lite-rock icon Pete Yorn's seduction techniques after a model describes his estimable "moves" (which are largely irrelevant in the L.A. dating pool due to his relative celebrity):

It seemed deliciously inevitable that Paris Hilton's poster-board plea for the safe return of pet/daughter Tinkerbell would wind up on eBay. What took so long? Let the bidding begin to marvel at Paris' design skills; savor the subtle invocation of ransom-note iconography in her her all-caps typeface and criminally mangled, repeat-felon-level grammar. Of course, caveat eBay emptor—anyone could have slapped up this image and claimed to be "driving through the Hollywood Hills" to find the poster. Even Nicky, who is probably looking for ways to avoid a naked Todd Meister.

It's been 24 hours since we reported the crazy, unverifiable rumor that pop-star/white trash icon Britney Spears was dragging curiously fertile fiancé Kevin Federline up to Santa Barbara for a secret wedding. That theory was summarily poo-pooed by a tipster, who suggested that Britney's deeply Method role as a skank bride in her latest video might have led to the confusion. Up to speed? Good. Yeah, looks like it didn't actually "happen," but isn't she already quickie-married in our hearts?

Given the banality of Ted Casablanca's ass-play/drug-free blind item, we didn't expect that anyone would actually write in with their guesses—if our readers wanted to hear from bitchy spouses, they'd dig up the backyard—but you surprised us. We promise never to underestimate your thirst for blind items or Ted's purple, Geneva Convention violating prose again.

A reader finally breaks the deafening silence on the rumor that Britney Spears is rush-marrying Kevin "Ten More Babies You Don't Know About" Federline today, claiming that Britney's just getting pretend married for a video.

We usually look forward to Thursday mornings, when we hop out of our bunk beds at 6 a.m., slide across the hardwood floors on the pads of our footie pajamas, and fire up the browser to see what blind item goody humpy E! Gossip Claus Ted Casablanca has left for us. Sweaty three ways featuring a couple of starlets and a Hollywood hunk? Salacious insinuations that Mr. Super Straight Action Star is an ass-play-craving power bottom? Casual drug abuse by a fifteen year old? But this is August and the Mighty Ted C has been momentarily felled; there is no Blind Item Santa, Victoria, in the dog days of summer. Today's "One Neurotic Blind Vice" features a Hollywood husband mildly bitching about his wife. Please, Ted, tell us (in confidence, of course) that he did his complaining while blowing lines off the back of a 17-year-old he met on DiscreetInches.com. Please?

Rumors are circulating that Nip/Tuck's Julian McMahon's name is being tossed around as a candidate for the next James Bond.. (Hey, he's Australian, and we can't tell the difference in those silly accents, right?) A tip from one of our readers makes us think that McMahon needs a crash course in that trademark superspy suavity. Failing a stint in charm school, the producers should at least cast a brunette as Snatchy Goodlay if they want McMahon in the Bond tuxedo.

It might seem a little risky to dub this the "Unverifiable Rumor of the Day," since it's not even 9 a.m., but this is probably the most suspect thing we've ever floated: We've heard that Britney Spears and Not-So-Sparkle Motion dancer fiancé Kevin Federline might have pushed up their wedding plans to, um today in Santa Barbara. We have no idea when or where it would go down, but they'll probably wind up in the courthouse if it actually happens, even though that venue's been tainted by Mira Sorvino and her boy-husband. The crazy romantic in us suggests that they keep it in Santa Monica and exchange their matrimonial goodies in that balcony of theirs, where so many memories were made.

In our single-minded effort to bring you absolutely nothing of any socially-redeeming value today, please enjoy the possible visual accompaniment to our earlier report on Lindsay Lohan's trip to Vegas last weekend. We can't speak with any certainty about Lindsay's blood-alcohol content in the photographs (we haven't yet downloaded that browser plug-in), but when our female friends make similar faces while dancing, it's time to hold their hair as they hover over the toilet or ensure their breath doesn't make contact with an open flame.

A reader claiming to be a guest at last weekend's Stuff magazine bacchanalia at the Palms in Vegas sends in this account of the party where underaged, professed teetotaler Lindsay Lohan was spotted with a drink in her hand. Should you ever encounter Lohan in your favorite watering hole and want to chat her up, watch out for that Fez character she's dating—he seems fiercely protective of his gal now that she's over the age of consent. You know, assuming any of this actually happened and isn't someone's horny, boozy dream.

Comedian Sharon Houston was a little put off by her experience on Last Comic Standing 2, so she put together a video presentation about the show called Fahrenheit LCS 2 and presented it at a comedy showcase at M Bar. Now it's found a home on the internet, where it's sure to roil any reality TV fan that's unaware that television producers often employ misleading editing tactics to arrive at a greater—or more narratively compelling— truth. (Gasp! Fake laughter on TV!) Still, there are some interesting tidbits about the show, such as how comic Tammy Pescatelli cultivated her "Brooklyn" accent on the mean streets of Cleveland, or how Jay Mohr ceased being funny after Action was canceled. OK, that's some more unfair editing. Mohr was never funny.