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We can't believe we're writing this, having thought we'd all achieved some measure of closure last week. Paris Hilton didn't lose her dog. She left it at her grandparents' house. (And in case you're still incredulous, her rep denied it—we might as well start typesetting the Tinkerbell page in Encyclopedia Britannica.) Can the tabloids have their free publicity back?

Sorry, that sounds a little crazy. We know how things work. We're just a little vulnerable right now, as we fear we'll soon hear that Nicky Hilton isn't deeply in love with her new, pauper husband, or that the all-natural Tara Reid is actually a devout Mormon.