Who would've thought that kicking your gossipy make-up artist to the curb could be so messy? Jennifer Lopez fired face-painter Scott Barnes for leaking top secret J.Lo dirt to the tabloids, and now he's running around making trouble for her. He told US Weekly that she still owes him money (and an apology!), and now he's blabbing that J-to-the-Lo keeps some kind of voodoo priestess around to do on-the-spot aura repair and throw hexes on her enemies (remember when Michael Jackson pulled that move on Spielberg?). You'd think that with all of that supernatural firepower on call she could've done better than Marc Anthony for a rebound husband. On the other hand, the evil-eye seems to have done the job on Affleck. Maybe J. Lo's voodoo department deserves a raise after all.

Despite a curious dearth of drug or gay sex references in Ted's blind items, you happily obliged us with your guesses. It must have been that astoundingly poetic turn of phrase, "brought you to a towering to-do whenever you wanted via her perfectly lip-glossed pucker" that held your interest long enough to fire off an e-mail. A quick recap:

The WOW Report's James St. James stumbles into the Spotlight, the legendary hustler bar on Cahuenga, and encounters John Waters and the cast from his upcoming sex-addict movie A Dirty Shame.

Wherein we invite readers to rearrange the randomly-scattered words in humpy E! gossiper Ted Casablanca's weekly blind items into some fractured semblance of English, and, if no aneurysm results from the labor, submit guesses as to the concealed celebrity's identity. For the second straight week, Ted has returned from the gossip mountaintop with two blind items; feel free to guess one, both, or to collapse in the bitter, salty tears of failure and frustration. Enjoy One Hungry Blind Vice, both His and Hers.

A prick-eared reader tunes into half of an extremely loud Bruce Willis phone conversation, leaving us with a few questions: Who's on the other end of that call? Is it a good idea to hand your child a credit card while you chat away? Did Willis suffer hearing damage while shaking his ass in a gay, German disco?

It seems like only a couple days ago that we were lamenting Ben Affleck's seeming disappearance from the tabloids, and already we're being treated to all kind of stories involving Big B Aff. Don't call it a comeback. We hear that he's been hanging around the set of Alias with new fling Jennifer Garner, where her ex-boyfriend, Michael Vartan, is still employed. Sounds like a fun place to work! Affleck and Vartan can hang around J-Gar's trailer while she's shooting, trying to think up a cutesy combined name suitable for tabloid headlines. But we'll suggest "BenGar" as a solution, allowing the two guys to get back to the uncomfortable silences on the set. BenGar: Vaguely medicinal sounding and yet sufficiently annoying to stick in your head. Frankly, it's perfect.

A spy transcribes part of the lunchtime conversation between American Dreams star Brittany Snow and a seemingly-mute friend. And yes, sitting next to an 18-year-old actress at lunch and overhearing her conversation is every bit as painful as you might have imagined. (But how can you not listen in on this golden discourse?) Unfortunately, if you live in L.A., every meal eaten out of the home carries the risk of overhearing this particular kind of indigestion-inducing chatter.

This reader report from Saturday's UCLA-OSU football game let us know that we definitely didn't party hard enough over the holiday weekend. After all, we didn't horrify an entire stadium full of drunk college football fans. But perhaps we're all better off not making keeping up with Gary Busey some kind of a competition.

We at Defamer think that it's important for you to be made comfortable with the romantic company being kept by the Olsen Twins, as we all feel a certain stewardship of their lives after watching them grow up before our very eyes. Today's Page Six introduced us to new Ashley (the "Fat Twin," please stay with us) snuggle buddy Scott Sartiano, and a reader alerted us to some more background info on Ash's older man. Columbia University's alumni magazine heartily endorses Ashley's choice in fleeting partnership, raving "As co-owner of Butter, the acclaimed restaurant-with-a-DJ in the East Village, Sartiano spends nights cavorting with the likes of über-models Carmen Kass and Iman, Teen Beat demi-god Carson Daly and rapper Jay-Z. Not bad for a nice guy from North Carolina." Not bad indeed. If he's good enough for Columbia, well, this Southern gentleman is certainly good enough for us. Good luck, Scott! And don't be afraid of that overblown twin telepathy, either—when MK and Ash are communicating wordlessly, it's only to express what a dreamy hunk you are, not arguing over who forgot to bring the blow.

Today's Page Six offers a fascinating update on the love lives of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Ashley (still awaiting her hard time in Utah rehab) has snagged 30-year-old promoter/restaurateur/former Anne Hathaway paramour Scott Sartiano. Obviously, the guy has earned his celeb-despoiling merit badge. Meanwhile Mary-Kate, her once bright, animated-chipmunk-quality eyes now tainted by the thousand-yard Cirque Lodge stare, can do no better than cozying up to some Sartiano associate named "Ollie" while love-moglet David Katzenberg is up in Boston for school. All caught up? Good. We don't want to confuse the issue by noting that Olsen Full House co-star John Stamos told Sartiano to "take care of [the twins] while they were in New York." We'd expect that creepy pimp action out of Saget, not from Uncle Jesse.

On Wednesday, we passed along a rumor that Kim Masters, Esquire's Hollywood columnist, was let go because "1) she couldn't write and 2) wasn't generating any buzz with what she did write. Also, she kept complaining to them about everything, and they just got sick of her." According to Esquire editor-in-chief David Granger, that rumor was wrong on all counts. Master's column went the way of Gretchen Mol's It-Girl status because "after a while, Hollywood executives are only so fascinating." So true, so true. But give them a snout full of blow and put them underneath a hooker, well, then we're cooking with gas. We digress.

We invited you to take a crack at Ted Casablanca's blind items from this week's column, and, as always, you responded with the enthusiasm, humor, and occasional bile that makes us love you just a little bit more every week.

Possible spoiler alert: A reader spots an Amish in the City cast member in the Beverly Center, enjoying some "regular" big city life. You might want to skip the passage (or avoid looking at the picture on the left, oopsie) if you're a fan of the show and don't want to know which of those wacky Amish kids wanted his rumspringa to last a little longer. We look forward to seeing him doing body shots off of Paris Hilton's stomach in the back of the Spider Club any day now.

Wherein we invite readers to unsheathe their machetes to hack away at humpy E! gossiper Ted Casablanca's impenetrable thicket of prose and guess the identity's of this week's blind items. We're getting started slightly earlier today because Ted has gifted TWO items to his fans this week—and one of them involves a seemingly straight actor and gay sex! Answer one, answer both—hell, eat a baby if that's your thing, as there are no rules in the dirt-dishing anarchy of a two blind item week. One Misleading Blind Vice (Hers & His):

A spy overhears this "inspired" conversation at a street corner near Wilshire and Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills:

ABC News is reporting that the Kobe Bryant rape trial might finally be over, with prosecutors filing a motion to dismiss agreed to by both sides this afternoon. Quick, someone go pull Jack Nicholson out from underneath that pile of hookers and give him the good news! (But please be sure someone settles the tab before he leaves. He doesn't need another incident.)

Star magazine has pictures of temporary Britney Spears husband Jason "55 Hours in Paradise" Alexander making out with "a she-male escort" named Ana in a Miami club, though an eyewitness admitted he probably didn't know that his drunken snuggle buddy was packing serious heat. We knew the good luck that saved him from a life with Spears couldn't last forever.

Jennifer Lopez has shitcanned "longtime makeup man" Scott Barnes for leaking incredibly important J.Lo information to the press. The cagey actress even set a trap for Barnes, feeding him fictional dirt and waiting for it to get back to her. It's regrettable that Lopez had to combat mistrust with subterfuge, but what other recourse did she have? If you can't trust the guy who ladels on the ass-minimizing blush and glues your nipples to your flimsy Grammy gowns, who can you trust?

Given Britney Spears' recent predilection for unleashing her manicured tootsies in some of Southern California's finest public restrooms, we can't guarantee that this is just a hickey and not a fungal infection like ringworm. Until he brings his fiancée to a physician to confirm it's merely the innocent byproduct of some harmless (though rather immature) necking instead of a more sinister malady, Mr. Federline should probably keep the Cheetos bag clear of the blemish.

In an essay for the Australian Herald Sun, Russell Crowe bodyguard Mark "Spud" Carroll tries to explain a punch-up with his movie-star boss on the set of Ron Howard's The Cinderella Man. Check out the bodyguard's blow-by-blow of the hot, Aussie man-on-man action: