Mary-KateAndAshley.com, the online home for all things Olsen Twins has plenty of "shoe news" (no doy, flip-flops "sizzle through all of the seasons"), but no official word on her trip to rehab for an "eating disorder." However, the site has an impressive archive of health tips, including this entry for "Safe Salad":
It's becoming obvious that today's Defamer will be hijacked by the likes of Britney Spears, the Olsens, and Colin Farrell's Supposedly Enormous Johnson. There's little we can do but give Brit a shoulder to lean on, hold Mary-Kate's hair, and try not to get our eye poked out by Farrell's renegade member. Alas, now the spectre of controversy is dangling around Farrell, as a well-informed reader thinks there's something amiss with the Irishman's on-screen junk:
A helpful reader sends us a link to a German site with a video clip of Ms. Spears' Wild Paparazzi Ride. A working knowledge of German is not required to enjoy the video, as the moving pictures assuredly speak the international language of "pop star apeshit." That being said, Babelfish helpfully translates the title beside the clip as "Britneys nut/mother f?t a Paparazzi over!")
Sister site Gawker has an incredible, unhinged, highly amusing e-mail from Ian Spiegelman to magazine writer Doug Dechert. Spiegelman was reportedly fired from the NY Post's Page Six after NYDN gossip columnist Lloyd Grove...whatever, our head is already starting to hurt and we're losing motor control on our right side. Read about it on Gawker. Who knew that Ian Spiegelman was a Norman Mailer fan? Here's an excerpt:
The NYDN's Rush & Molloy report that Demi Moore's reps spent yesterday denying the rumors that Ashton Kutcher's sperm successfully fertilized her egg, and that after a standard gestation period, she would bring forth a baby bearing his some of his DNA. Naturally, a flack's denial immediately had us shopping for the baby shower. But maybe we really shouldn't have been so credulous—isn't Demi 58 years old and Kutcher about 6 and 1/2? Their romance might be defying the odds, but whether her uterus can is another story entirely.
The British Sun's "Bizarre" column reports that Colin Farrell's penis is SO HUGE that it distracted test audiences for his film A Home At The End Of The World. So off-putting was the massive schlong that it was cut from a nude scene. Says their source, "All you could hear were gasps when Colin appeared in his full-frontal pose. The women were over-excited and the men looked really uncomfortable. It was such a sight it made it difficult to concentrate on the plot, so the decision was made to get rid of it."
Never ones to disappoint, our pals at the Smoking Gun have already posted the court papers from the Jeri and Jack Ryan Sex Flap. Jeri claims that Jack would take her on "supposed 'romantic' getaways" that turned out to be sex clubs in New York and Paris, featuring such "romantic" accouterments as "mattresses in cubicles," and "cages, whips, and other apparatus hanging from the ceiling," Unfortunately for the "romantic" Jack, he didn't find it a "turn on" when Jeri would break down in tears when he brought her to have sex in front of other couples. Maybe things would have gone smoother if he'd set the mood by scattering some rose petals on the mattress in the cubicle.
Actress Jeri Ryan, best known as Seven of Nine, the most favored masturbation target in the history of the Star Trek franchise, alleges in court papers (filed in 2000) that her ex-husband pressured her to go to sex clubs and perform sexual activities in front of other couples. Oh, and her ex-husband is Jack Ryan, the Republican senatorial candidate from Illinois. (We'll leave it up to sister blog Wonkette to detail the undoubtedly hilarious political implications). We just hope that they managed to keep the sex hijinks in da club and away from the hotel rooms at the Trekkie conventions. It's way too early in the morning for us to handle the image of a Republican, Jeri Ryan, a guy in a Klingon mask, and a midget dressed as a Tribble banging away in a Borgy at the Burbank Ramada Inn.
Blogger A Fly On The Wall, who broke the news of the Julia Roberts pregnancy, again has his ear to Hollywood's star-making uterus. Fly claims that Demi Moore has told her CAA agents that she's knocked up. Sadly, this almost certainly means that she's been spunk'd by Ashton Kutcher, and his genes will survive to annoy yet another generation. If only our plan to sterilize everyone in a trucker hat had caught on...
Here's another pic from the World of Britney site. A reader points out that the knee brace is on her left knee, but her crutch is on the right side. (Lest you think she was just resting with the crutch, there are three more shots on the site that show the same thing—if the permalink doesn't work, just scroll to the bottom of the page). Either Britney hasn't yet figured out how to work a crutch, or she really, really didn't want to go on tour so that she could hang out with her skeezy dancer boyfriend. If she's goldbricking to avoid a tour, why didn't she just go with the time-worn method of a rehab stint? (We admit that this whole thing is a creepy mix of Zapruder film obsessiveness and Tiger Beat pajama party, but such is our lot in life. We now return to our scheduled morning hour of examining Lindsay Lohan photos for cleavage scars.)
OK, this picture of Britney freaking out as a paparazzo snaps her picture is just too good not to post. She seems to scream Can't I just limp around, buy a fucking puppy, and get back to being a homewrecker with my dancer boyfriend? It appears on World of Britney as part of a mini photo-essay on yesterday's pet store dust-up. (You may have to scroll down a bit to see the other pics.)
This weekend, filthy-minded sister blog Fleshbot was on the loose at the Erotica LA convention. As he wandered among the porn stars, the neoprene reproductions of porn-star genitalia, and the people that ejaculate into neoprene reproductions of porn-star genitalia, he encountered one Dessarae Bradford. She's the author of the book My S/M Romp With Alec Baldwin, in which she claims "In Sept. 2002, I fu**ed Alec Baldwin in his a** in a hot , sweaty, nasty sex romp." She urges us to "Grab the scoop before my story gets into the hands of the media, and they attemp [sic] to censor it." (And in case our short-term memory is not what it used to be, reminds us that "I had Alec Baldwin on all four's for me, and S/M was involved. ") Miss Bradford sounds just a little bit like Michael Moore, except Moore was whining that Michael Eisner was fu**ing him in his a**.
Here are your answers to Ted Casalblanca's "One Mood-Altering Blind Vice." Some egghead once said something about collective intelligence being superior to individual intelligence, but we never really paid attention, as we were busy studying complicated patterns in our dislodged ear wax.
The LA.comfidential blog continues its frenzy of blind items, as ominous-sounding, anonymous-posting "Admin" posts one that's a little hard to ignore. The digest: "Sex on the beach...barely legal starlet...sex...photo...from behind...porn...'likes to watch'..." OK, we're really stripping the item of all context, but if you see enough of these blind items you start to develop a kind of carnal tunnel-vision. We're not really soliciting guesses, just shaking our heads at these crazy, famous kids with their amateur sex photography, which is always consequence-free and stays strictly between the consenting adults involved.
What's worse, working for Miramax or getting canned by Miramax? We all know that it's not not exactly known for being the happiest of places, but pretty soon there might be a lot fewer people for Harvey and Bob Weinstein to make miserable. A spy hears whispers inside the company that layoffs are coming soon. As in, "tomorrow" soon. And they're supposedly coming in large numbers, with 100 harried employees possibly getting the axe. But the spy was too busy to elaborate past this: "Everybody's working on their resumes. Gotta get back to mine too!" Does "ability to withstand humilation by physically intimidating studio head" count as a "Special Skill"?
