Today's Lloyd Grove column in the NY Daily News reports that a mental retardation and developmental disabilities advocacy group has sent Mean Girls star/jailbait controversy magnet Lindsay Lohan a "stern letter" chastising her for her frequent, impolitic use of the phrase "That's so retarded." (Why do you hate 'tards, so much, Lindsay? Did the short bus drive by and ask if your breasts are fake?) We recommend that she lay off the retards and start making fun of the blind; their scolding letters are just bumpy.

Earlier today, MSNBC's Jeanette Walls was spreading the rumor that Jennifer Aniston is pregnant with the heir to Brad Pitt's all-abs/no-act throne. A few hours ago, a reader emailed that CNN (the actual one on the television with the constantly talking, extremely boring people, not the pleasantly static web version) was reporting the same news. But we haven't seen or heard anything on it since then. Are all the publicists dead? Can't we at least get a denial out of one of them so that we can go back to not giving a shit until they slap some utterly retarded name on the poor baby?

TVgasm thinks it's unearthed a fake-bake scandal that goes all the way to the top of Tanazon Charlize Theron's awards-show career. Using an obsessive, potentially vision-impairing investigative technique that surely required large stretches of free time, TVgasm's experts think they've determined that the Oscar-winning Miss Theron is fake-tanning her way to a basted turkey sheen—a golden brown that is being willfully obscured by a complicit tint-correcting, Photoshop-happy media. Disturbing. But can we return the discourse to an appropriately lofty level and get back to obsessing about Lindsay Lohan's rack?

An alert reader sends us a link to this Brazilian site, where we found this picture of Ben Affleck, looking sleepy and apparently performing a much-needed genital adjustment. Was Ben caught by a lurking paparazzo, rendered sleepy and dazed by the news of J-Lo's secret wedding? We really don't know the context of the photo (and to be honest, we don't really care), but we put the page's text through Babelfish and got this:

This is obviously way too good to be true: Blog La.comfidential posts a rumor that nuptial cannon-fodder Marc Anthony "has already ended his marriage with Jennifer Lopez."

From E!'s "First Look' news page:

LA.comfidential is in a tizzy over Page Six's supposed lifting of a gossip item they posted on Tuesday:

The Smoking Gun has the arrest warrant from Courtney Love's assault on singer Kristin King in the home of Love's ex-boyfriend. Ah, the poetic clarity of legalese: "...a Felony, was committed by COURTNEY LOVE COBAIN, who did willfully and unlawfully commit an assault on KRISTIN KING with a deadly weapon, to wit, BOTTLE AND METAL FLASHLIGHT, and by means of force likely to produce great bodily injury." It's almost as if an elegant Renaissance poet was narrating the alleged, apeshit bludgeoning.

A week ago, we wrote that Halle Berry's "catsuit-rattling bumquakes are the best-smelling thing about the Catwoman buzz." A tipster seems to agree, and unless Berry goes to Mexico and drinks water straight out of the tap, the buzz is going to continue to out-stink the star:

The little egg timer next to our monitor just went ding—must be time for another J-Lo post. The blog PlanetGordon, inspired by the eerie coincidences between the Lincoln and Kennedy assassinations, has arranged to have Lopez killed. No such luck. He merely found eerie coincidences between Jen and Elizabeth Taylor, the premier serial bride of her day.

Perhaps the only phrase in Hollywood more frequently repeated than "J-Lo engaged" is "Courtney Love in legal trouble." (OK, maybe "Tom Cruise sues over gay rumor" belongs on the list.) This time they're not fucking around—Love is charged with "assault with a deadly weapon" (a felony) for attacking a former manager's friend with a flashlight in April. There was also a potentially deadly bottle used in the alleged assault, but thankfully, no microphone, the deadliest instrument in her bludgeoning arsenal.

MSNBC's Jeannette Walls says that Barbra Streisand has been seen skulking around the Kabbalah Centre. Apparently, she's trying to get the Centre to use its clout to push her "political agenda." You had to know that eventually the Jews would finally take over Kabbalah, just like everything else in Hollywood.

It's been about ten minutes since we've heard any news about the status of a) J-Lo's uterus or b) her marriage to what's-his-name, Cleopatra. To fill the momentary void in J-Lo coverage, Trio releases the results of a poll (tied to their Flops! marketing) asking which of the copiously-buttocked, oft-married crossover diva's relationships should have succeeded. And, surprise! People long for the days of P. Diddy, when Lopez was getting dragged into court every other week to deny seeing this shooting or that pistol-whipping. Maybe they were hoping for some of the gunplay to go awry, with Ms. Lopez on the wrong end of a Diddy-intentioned capping? Clearly, the public is going to need some time adjusting to the new Dispose-A-Husband.

Just when we thought that this whole J-Lo situation had splooged itself out in one disappointing orgasm of media meat-beating, Page Six nudges the world and demands another go-around. They say that Lopez was so hot to get married because Marc Anthony's JV salsa-singing seed had already successfully found its quarry within a J-llopian tube. (She's knocked up.) And it's "Hollywood Official:" her business manager/guru just went with a "no comment," not even bothering with a transparent denial.

We were sick of this J-Lo wedding business since about oh, yesterday, but we're sure everyone wants to gape at some "secret" pics of the "secret" wedding. Stereogum has some up, and The Sun has a helpful gallery that includes happy-seeming photos of J-Lo's less successful forays into the sacrament.

New J-Lo matrimonial fodder Marc Anthony still has pics from his last wedding on his website. Be forewarned if you click through...his music plays in the background.

From the What The Fuck? Files: Just about five months after her dissolution of the Bennifer Hollywood Organism and one week after his divorce from a former Miss Universe, Jennifer Lopez and B-level Ricky Martin wave-rider Marc Anthony entered into a one-year Lopez Marriage-Like Agreement on Saturday. She's got about one more wedding left before anyone who buys a star map on Hollywood Blvd is legally entitled to a year sham marriage with her.

The Smoking Gun has yet another wonderful, fresh legal filing for America's amusement. This time, recent Halle Berry ex-husband and admitted "sex addict" Eric Benet is trying to "determine the validity and/or enforceability of the parties' prenuptial agreement and subsequent amendments thereto." In terms that the rest of us can understand, Benet is trying to bust that prenup like a piggy bank and see what Catwoman coin falls out. Berry may want to pay him off just to avoid the continued embarrassment of walking in on him trying to fuck her Oscar while he's "just picking up some things he forgot."

We just heard that God-rocking, intestinal-distress-inducing band Creed is breaking up. Sorry to see them go, whatever.

Before we get to the Ted blind item guesses, an administrative note re: The Easiest Blind Item In The World, Unless You Are Deaf To Sarcasm post. To all of you who wrote in with solutions to the utterly perplexing NBA item: You are much smarter than we are. That never would have occurred to us. Never.