Drudge reports that Marlon Brando has died of unknown causes, citing this story from a local TV station in Phoenix. Brando. He was 80 years old. Brando recently settled a lawsuit with a former personal assistant. Brando was best known for his roles in The Godfather, On the Waterfront, and for refusing to wear pants on the set of The Score so that he would only be shot from the waist up.
Just because you've all been so good and made it to the afternoon without any fresh Mary-Kate Olsen coverage, we'll direct you to this strange turn in her redemption saga. Bitchmongering, media-whore cousin Gawker hears a strange tale of recent DUI recipient David Hasselhoff outing little Mary-Kate as a resident of Cirque Lodge, where he was "relaxing" until recently, to a radio station. MK's plight just gets sadder by the day. Not only are the tabloids screaming about her alleged coke habit, but she's being betrayed by her rehab buddy—even after she never laughed when he insisted on telling everyone in the encounter session how huge he is in Germany.
In the July 12th issue of People (which should hit the newsstands tomorrow), Britney Spears breaks her deafening silence on her engagement to dancer/bastard baby-daddy Kevin Federline. Here's what you need to know, culled from the AP's sneak preview:
Now that Mira Sorvino is through playing Pin the Wedding Band on the Cheesecake Factory-type waiter/struggling actor, it's time to get to know her new hubby. He's a graduate of Shawnee Mission East high school (senior picture at left) in an affluent Kansas City suburb. According to a source who attended the school while Backus was there, he was "one out of ten or fifteen in a class of 450" to skip on the college experience. But no worries, spurring academia didn't slow him down with the women of Hollywood.
According to today's Page Six, Mary-Kate Olsen's rep "vehemently denies" that the twin is behind the rehab eight-ball for cocaine addiction, despite today's report in Star magazine. He calls the story "absolutely false" and that the Olsen's anorexia-loving, blow-denouncing lawyers are "evaluating their options." By coming out so strongly against the drug addiction story, their message to America's multimillionaire twins is crystal clear: It's OK to starve yourself until your parents send you away for a fabulous spa vacation in Utah.
Fahrenheit 9/11's distributors are complaining that the MPAA is disallowing a quote by Roger Ebert caddy Richard Roeper that it wanted to use in its ad campaign. The offending quote: "Everyone should see this film." You see, F 9/11 lost a ratings appeal and carries an R rating, so the MPAA interprets that "everyone" as a call to violate the age restriction the rating carries. According to THR, a conference call to anti-piracy vigilante Jack Valenti did not persuade the MPAA head to allow the quote. "Clearly, telling 'everyone' to see a film with an 'R' rating is an unabashed call to criminality," said the enraged Valenti. "If we were to allow this endorsement of age-blind anarchy, the nation's renegade seventeen-year-olds would abandon their marijuana-selling posts by the mall Pac-Man machines and turn their local cinematheques into sodomy-filled, psychotropic sock-hops. We cannot allow the children to download the movie into their brains!"
Tomorrow's Star magazine's cover screams about Mary-Kate's trip to rehab: "IT'S DRUGS!" And just in case you didn't get the message and are confused about her stay at Cirque Lodge, the little box above "DRUGS" tells us "IT'S NOT ANOREXIA." We suppose that the editors of Star determined that "SHE'S A COKEHEAD, BITCH!" was a little too harsh for the supermarket checkout scene.
The disintegration of the Lakers dynasty is spreading off the court. Sports site Sports By Brooks reports that a story in this week's National Enquirer claims that Laker/hair model Rick Fox's marriage to singer/Radio Shack pitchwoman Vanessa Williams is over—and they have the pics that supposedly ended it. The pictures are so convincing that Fox's publicist didn't even bother to lie (again)—you know she really, really wanted to—as she admits, "Rick and Vanessa have been headed for divorce for the last 18 months. They've virtually been leading separate lives since then." Maybe the Finals would have turned out differently if coach Phil Jackson had properly utilized Fox's skills and sent the cheat-seeking swing-man into the Pistons' wives section at Staples Center.
If you're anything like us, tossing and turning each night, tortured by a longing to send IMs to Punk'd impersario/possible Demi impregnator Ashton Kutcher that read "OMG u r so totally hott! Y r u banging that old bag of bones?", relief may be just an eBay auction away. A desperate auctioneer claims to be violating a friend's confidence and offering up Kutcher's screen name to the highest bidder.
MSNBC's Jeanette Walls offers us a double shot of Kabbalah nonsense to kick off the week. The Kabbalah Centre will soon put out a "user's guide" for the red string bracelet that supposedly keeps its wearer safe from the evil eye. They're also planning a billboard on Sunset Boulevard to promote the book; quite logically, the billboard will be wrapped in a gigantic red string, protecting the huge advertisement from the heebie-jeebies projected by the legion of motorists and homeless that will gaze upon it each day. No doubt the "user's guide" will include tips on how to accessorize the red string with other de rigeur Hollywood fashions, like the Von Dutch hat, Ugg boots, and the Scientology mind-control implant scar.
On Friday, word got out that Britney Spears is engaged to dancer Kevin Federline. Today, without regard for our hangover or the sanctity of Monday morning, the British Sky News passes along a report by News of the World claiming that Britney has a cheese doodle in the oven. The story: Spears is due to pop out a baby around Christmas and wants to be married before then so that Santa doesn't withold her presents for having a bastard.
Whatever drugs the doctors have prescribed for her ailing knee have finally kicked in, as ETonline reports that Britney Spears is now engaged to her dancer boyfriend/tattoo BFF, Kevin Federline. We're, like, totally on IM with all of our bestest friends, reveling in the happy news! Check out this excerpt from the official Gawker Media AIM window:
High-minded sister site Gawker hears a rumor that Mary-Kate Olsen is checked into the Cirque Lodge rehab center in Sundance, whose specialties lie in areas other than eating disorders. If her high-priced clinic doesn't offer adequate eating disorder treatment facilities, maybe she and her fellow patients can improvise like we do at parties in Hollywood and open a "weight-loss support group" in the bathroom.
It's Friday...let's get away from this political nonsense for just a minute to recognize the noble work that the Good Plastic Surgery and Awful Plastic Surgery blogs have been doing lately: Jessica and Ashlee Simpson, Tara Reid, and now, Christina Aguilera, who looks like she's had some competent nose work. Unfortunately, a de-skanking still seems beyond the scope of modern cosmetic surgery.
Time for your answers to this week's Ted Casablanca blind item, "One Bagged Blind Vice." A frustrated reader asks, "Who the hell can tell what he's talking about? Is that even English? Yes, it technically is English, and no, much of the time we don't know what Ted is talking about either. We suspect he went to one of those "progressive" schools that never corrects mistakes and medicates children without parental consent. On to your guesses...
Just when we thought we might finally be free of The Curious Case of Colin Farrell's Oversized Tool On The Cutting Room Floor, we're bombarded with new info. A spy with knowledge of such matters tells us that Farrell had "final cock image approval" for A Home At The End Of The World , and after seeing a cut of his moneymaker in a screening, flipped his little army helmet and demanded that alternate footage be used. We don't know whether or not this involved reshoots with a zoom lens, or why he allegedly threw the fit, but one thing is certain: In the last 24 hours, we've written more euphemisms for "penis" than a copywriter for gay porn video boxes. Also, stories about your favorite bad boy actor's equipment being cut for, um, length, may be greatly exaggerated.
OK, by show of hands...who's starting to feel a little inadequate from all of this talk about Colin Farrell's supposedly enormous trouser apparatus? Let's shift gears...We couldn't help but notice this quote in the recent Entertainment Weekly "Must List' issue, by a frequent Defamer subject. "I would never get implants, ever...It scares me that older men would think about that, but hey, if they're going to write about anything, write about my boobs rather than making other stuff up."
