• The View producers announce that they will not search for an official replacement for Star Jones until after September 5, once Rosie O'Donnell plops down on her chair. Meanwhile, O'Donnell is blogging in favor of American Idol finalist Kellie Pickler, who co-hosted yesterday. Yeah, she's real pretty, isn't she, Rosie? [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Paris Hilton taunts Lindsay Lohan with unsubtle snickering; Lohan manages not to go apeshit. Such remarkable restraint can only mean that Lohan actually took a day off from the marching powder. [Page Six]
• Diana Bianchi, the 19-year-old mistress of Peter Cook (estranged husband to aging supermodel Christie Brinkley), never asked Cook to leave Brinkley for her. She was happy with quiet, complacent fucking. [TMZ]
• And of course, this is not the first time Cook has dipped his toes in the barely legal pool. [Fox 411]
• Oliver Stone likes hallucinogenic drugs. Big surprise there — we all saw Alexander, unfortunately. [R&M]
• After alleging that her ex-fiancee, Sopranos star Vincent "Big Pussy" Pastore, beat the crap out of her, Lisa Regina held a reading for her book on domestic violence and invited the entire Sopranos cast. Alas, no one showed, lest they too get a gear shift in the face. [Page Six]

Carefully worded publicist protestations to the contrary notwithstanding, it would appear that Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan are one "accidentally" spilled poolside vodkatini from scooping out each other's eyes with expensively manicured nails and some choice weave-yanking, cankle-biting savagery. A Defamer operative had a chance encounter with The Character That Paris Hilton Plays in Malibu this weekend that suggests that the Firecrotch Feud is still very much in play

• Has anyone ever looked quite so miserable while receiving an on-camera blowjob from Lindsay Lohan? He must know of the bacteria that's to come. [Yeeeah]
• Speaking of Miss Lohan: her new beau, Harry Morton, woefully underperforms in his first paparazzi getaway. [TMZ]
• Socialite/designer Tory Burch is splitting from her husband. Tragic — this is really going to throw a wrench in the Hamptons party schedule. [Page Six]
• How does Lauren Weisberger come up with dialogue? By secretly writing down her friends' conversations during social outings and sending them to herself on her BlackBerry. We love the method: if she continues to do this, she'll soon have no friends left, and thus no material. And then maybe she'll go away. [Lowdown (3rd item)]
• The National Enquirer confirms that Star Jones did have gastric bypass surgery at Lenox Hill hospital, having her stomach stapled in two places. Obviously, hers wasn't a single-staple job. [Gatecrasher (4th item)]
• Alas, a retraction: Natalie Portman does not appear nude in Goya's Ghost; it's a body double. On the bright side, the footage is a nude torture scene, so you can still spank away. [Egotastic]
• CNBC anchor Joe Kernan loved Aquaman and can't wait to see Springtime for Hitler. [Page Six]

It seems that Lindsay Lohan's management team at CAA has succeeded in mating her off-screen image with her movie career, as paparazzi agency Splash News has snapped set photos from Georgia Rule (we think, though the period costumes and late 70s vintage O-face of her co-star could indicate Mark David Chapman biopic Chapter 27), capturing a scene in which Lohan simulates a sexual act usually reserved for the darkened corners of Disneyland's Sailing Ship Columbia at 2 a.m. They grow up so fast on-screen, don't they?

The Disney-obsessed MiceAge site is probably not where you'd expect to find the latest account of Lindsay Lohan's underage, drunken antics, but as it turns out, someone at Disneyland thought it would be a great idea to allow Lohan and her entourage to rampage through the Magic Kingdom and long-abandoned, possibly haunted California Adventure park to celebrate her 20th birthday. Lohan, of course, repaid Disney's hospitality by giving its Cast Members a firsthand demonstration of the craft for which she is best known:

• Disneyland stays open until midnight for Lindsay Lohan, so that Mickey might get high from her special secondhand smoke. On the darkened riverboat cruise that concluded her evening, Lohan made the happiest place on earth a little more so by blowing rails of Tinkerbell's fairy dust. [MiceAge]
• Diddy now asks that you refer to him as Puff. And if you openly mock him, you can expect the support of onlookers and pedicab drivers. [Page Six]
• At a shop in London, a salesgirl refuses to take Naomi Campbell's credit card; the girl apparently didn't believe it was actually Campbell making the purchase. Campbell stormed out of the store; salesgirl miraculously escapes unharmed. [Female First]
• Brandon Davis is out of rehab; Los Angeles drug dealers stock up in anticipation. [Gatecrasher (2nd to last)]
• Always on the urban beat, Lloyd Grove reports that rapper Foxy Brown is facing misdemeanor charges of harassing her former assistant with threatening emails. Emails? Whatever happened to the hardcore bitchslap? [Lowdown]
• The good news: drooling virgins will finally be able to see Natalie Portman naked. The bad news: they'll have to sit through an entire Goya biopic. [Page Six]
• Elle MacPherson assumes her role as the lead Hot Tuna. [Bloomberg]

• Could it be that Madonna is considering parting ways with Kabbalah? The Independent, which is slightly more respectable than the 3 AM Girls, reports that Madge is said to be "wearying" of the red string and its effect on her family and her wallet. But can she bear to abandon the countless retard celebs who have followed her example? [AFP]
• AdAge's Media Guy, His Crankiness Simon Dumenco, celebrates the one-year anniversary of his column with one of the more sincere pieces we've seen out of him (it looks great on him!). He's learned a few things in the past year, mostly that no one likes Bonnie Fuller or James Truman and that blogs make mainstream media lazy. Consider it etched in stone. [AdAge]
• If you're footing the bill for Fido to get to doggy day care via the Pet Taxi, then why the hell do you even have a dog? Will you pay someone to pet the poor thing for you, too? [BW]
• Lindsay Lohan (or so we assume) returns to the loving, blind vice arms of Ted Casablanca's column, in which we learn that true security guards cut your lines for you. [E!]
• The most unintentionally hilarious picture of Hillary Duff. [Goldenfiddle]
• Time Out New York celebrates summer with the next level in drinking games: an eight week boozy scavenger hunt across 24 different venues. Our drinking game piggybacks on this: take a shot every time a participant in the TONY game gets their stomach pumped. [Fishbowl NY]

If we were forced to identify the exact moment that Lindsay Lohan wanted us to believe chose to let the world know that she had finally conquered the narcotic bulimic demons that robbed her of her vaunted rack (whether or not the removal and/or restoral of her "curves" involved some body work in the Beverly Hills Monster Garage is currently the subject of much high-minded debate), we'd have to pick the Auto Show Nipple Slip, in which the starlet offered the assembled wire service photographers a generous helping of sideboob. But that occasion turned out to be nothing more than the teaser trailer for the summer blockbuster represented by Lohan's recent, extravagant, paparazzi-baiting displays of big-budget cleavage. Don't feel guilty or dirty about ogling—think of your bug-eyed fascination with her conspicuously bared flesh as empowering support for her continuing recovery from whatever plagued her last bikini season.

Because it's Friday, we'll spare you ironic commentary on what our delighted viewing of these images of an apparently shitfaced Matthew McConaughey on a "three-day bender" in Costa Rica and a bikini-clad, karate-kicking Lindsay Lohan*. Says About Our Misguided Fascination With Celebrity. Sometimes it's OK to laugh at the silly famous people just because they got drunk too close to a guy with a camera.

• Just when you thought The View situation couldn't get any more chaotic, Shannen Doherty enters the fray. God, we hope Brenda shows up drunk. [NYP]
• We have no idea what Lindsay Lohan's problem is — other than the paparazzi in her face — but her language is unacceptable. Did she learn this from Brandon Davis? [TMZ]
• Da Hip Hop Rascalz are bunch of East Harlem schoolkids who are far more talented than you'll ever be. Or at least far more cute. [WFMU]
• Absurdistan author Gary Shteyngart endures Krucoff. [92Y]
• Express, that temple of fashion, sells a LES t-shirt for $22.50 — but reads, "Essex between Rivington and Clinton." And the entire neighborhood spontaneously bursts into flames. [Curbed]
• Gay Talese talks to The Morning News. And talks. And talks. But not necessarily in a bad way. [TMN]
• Who doesn't hate AOL? [Consumerist]
• If you want a talking head to pull all the graphic details out of a sexually molested prisoner, then Nancy Grace is your gal. [TV Newser]

• Today in the Wasted Adventures of Lindsay Lohan: after her birthday party, Lohan passes out on the toilet, "loses her keys," leaves her car parked in front of a drop-off spot on Pacific Coast Highway, and, in the grand finale, autistic kids can't access the beach. [Page Six]
• TomKat is keeping baby Suri so under wraps that even their fellow cult members have yet to see the baby. Until John Travolta can vouch for her, we're not convinced that baby even exists. [Us Weekly]
• Not surprisingly, Star Jones messy exit from The View was great for ratings: when she appeared on Larry King, he had triple his average number of viewers. Meaning that he also farted for an audience three times as disgusted as usual. [E!]
• A guest from Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban's wedding is auctioning off mementos on eBay. [Page Six]
• Contrary to the rumor mill, Jay-Z and Beyonce did not get married this weekend. That'll help you sleep better at night, no doubt. [Lowdown (3rd item)]
• Jennifer Lopez's ex-husband Ojani Noa claims that she practiced voodoo. Which is exactly how she keeps Marc Anthony submissive. [R&M]
• Watch Paris Hilton dance, then stab yourself in the eye. [TMZ]

NY Daily News JV gossip Lloyd Grove found himself in the middle of a highly amusing feud between rival publicists after he passed along a "leaked" e-mail to Britney Spears' manager (amazingly enough, it seems she has someone on staff to advise her, "Just stay home, get fat, and squeeze out a couple of rugrats with that deadbeat husband of yours, kid. People will still love you when you're ready to tour again in ten years!") aimed at poaching the embattled baby-fumbler from Leslie Sloane Zelnick, her heroic PR enforcer. Hilarity, as they say, ensues:

It's not for nothing that Lindsay Lohan is considered the hard-partying Queen of the Chateau, having long since graduated from the fluid-ounce confines of the traditional martini glass to the super-sized pleasures of guzzling straight from the shaker. But when it comes to illicit substances, The Scoop notes, Lohan cuts draws the line:

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers. Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you saw Keanu Reeves wearing gauche footwear and taking in a cross-dresser's performance

• More confirmation on yesterday's rumor that Star Jones is on her way out at The View — she's got no new gigs lined up (shock), producers had been looking to give her the boot since the wedding freebies fiasco last fall (double shock), but Barbara Walters kept Jones around out of pity (unfuckingbelievable). The arrival of Rosie O'Donnell, however, sealed the deal, and Jones is off like an plus-sized prom dress. [Fox411]
• And set your DVRs: Star's big farewell is allegedly on Friday. Actually, she announced it this morning. Alas, we were watching hot Brazilian men kick Ghana's ass. [Lowdown]
• Lohan's recent week in NYC was so hardcore — fights with Paris, late nights at Bungalow, tears and glasses thrown at promoters — that not even her stylist, Nate Newell, could handle it. After being flown out to keep Lohan company, he begged friends to get him home after the constant drama. Good riddance to him, too. Rachel Zoe would never pussy out like that. [Page Six]
• You won't see pictures of baby Suri because no one will pay for them. [IMDb]
• Elton John and hubby David Furnish are kicked out of Pharrell Williams' party in Milan by a security guard looking to bring in more women. If only he'd realized the lady-gems that had been sitting right before him. [R&M]
• Megapublicist Dan Klores tries his hand as a playwright. From one sort of fiction to another, we suppose. [Page Six]
• John Cusack seeks a restraining order against a stalker named Emily Leatherman. The surname really should have tipped everyone off. [TMZ]

As we've already noted today, some recently minted celebrities misguidedly try to avoid being harassed in public without the assistance of qualified professionals. The more experienced, however, know that it's OK to ask for help in repelling the unwashed masses:

Robert Altman has yet to devote one of his well-populated and naturalistic observational studies to the milieu of potheads, perhaps because the world is not yet ready for three hours of Shelley Duval and Lily Tomlin snacking on Doritos and giggling on a couch. (We'd disagree.) However, should the octogenarian auteur choose to go there, the NY Daily News reports that he'll have already done all his required research:

• Try and follow: At an impromptu Prince performance at Butter, Lindsay Lohan follows her mortal enemy Paris Hilton into the bathroom. They have a big fight, because bathroom activities make you edgy and angry. Lohan returns to the main room to find Diddy sitting at her table, and jokingly asks what he's doing there. Diddy doesn't see the humor and yells at her to get out. There's a scuffle with his bodyguards, and Lohan is removed from the table. Later, at Bungalow 8, Lohan and Hilton sit at separate tables and compete to see who can stay at the club the longest. This item has been brought to you by D.A.R.E. [R&M]
• After having Cristal removed from his 40/40 clubs, Jay-Z continues his revenge on the champagne company, whose executives don't exactly love the hip-hop community's loyalty to the brand. At his performance on Sunday, Jigga will change the lyrics in his many songs that mention Cristal. Keep an eye out for creative pronunciations of "pistol." [Page Six]
• Incoming Today show host Meredith Vieira deems Dan Rather's ill-executed exit from CBS as "tacky." She's talking to you, Katie. [Lowdown]
• 75-year-old Robert Evans tallies up his seventh divorce. If he can stay alive long enough, maybe the eight marriage will be the charm. [MSNBC]
• Nicole Kidman may move to Keith Urban's rural Tennessee home, where she'll be free to get pregnant without fear of divorce. [Fox411]
• Because in the end, gay means quality, Superman gets decent reviews. [IMDb]

· "Production assistant: Lindsay, we need you right away. Lindsay Lohan: Oh my God! Don't talk to me like I'm some kind of normal person!"
· Soon, celebrity offspring will overrun all of America and the non-famous will be forced to flee to Canada. Leave now and beat the rush.
· Jerry Lewis is out of the hospital and well enough to ride on his yacht. We know that this information will help you sleep more soundly tonight.
· Halle Berry made good on her vague promise to adopt, and we discover what it feels like to have one's brain implode from indifference.
· Your side business in bootlegging this summer's blockbusters might be in peril, so maybe it's time to dust off those grad school applications.

• An Inconvenient Proposal [YouTube]