Those who feel that potty-mouthed oil heir/goodwill ambassador to Hollywood nightclubs Brandon Davis' media caning following his instant-classic Shitfaced Firecrotch Diatribe was not sufficient punishment for his pube-denigrating transgressions will be delighted by the following NY Observer report, in which Davis returned to the scene of his crime and was promptly issued the clubmonkey equivalent of being publicly urinated upon:

• Kate Moss will not be charged with possession stemming from her September '05 cover shoot with the UK's Daily Mirror. Apparently something about a lack of evidence or being able to definitively prove she was bumping rails of blow and not, say, powdered sugar. You know how those skinny models love their powdered sugar! [Guardian]
• Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams didn't mean to snub Howard Stern at Nobu last week; they were just having "a very deep conversation about something in our personal life," says Ledger. Go ahead and read into that all you want, but they were likely just whining about Brooklyn. [Page Six]
• MSNBC host Keith Olbermann apologizes for telling a viewer to go fuck his mother. That was meant for Rita Cosby. [Lowdown]
• In a remarkable display of maturity, Lindsay Lohan turns down a round of shots, noting that she's underage. She still stayed out until 7 AM — thankfully, there's no age restrictions on marching powder. [R&M (bottom of page)]
• And after all that partying, Lohan still has the energy to be Madonna's new BFF. Though admittedly the starlet's not thrilled about getting Britney Spears' sloppy seconds. [Scoop]
• Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood has headed off to rehab. How are these guys even alive enough to be addicts? Were they all given new livers at some point in the mid-90s? [Fox411 (2nd item)]
• First daughter Barbara Bush uses Craigslist for job-hunting. Suddenly, we soften. Just a little. [Page Six]

• Yesterday, we watched Britney cry to Matt Lauer that celebrities "are people, too!" Today, we learn that she changed her baby's diaper on the FLOOR next to a cash register at Victoria's Secret. This pretty much clears up any confusion about whether or not Britney's a person — she's not even a primate. Where the hell is the manny when this stuff happens? [Us Weekly]
• The battle of Paris and Lindsay continues: Hilton tries to pick a fight with Lohan, Lohan takes the high road and walks away, Hilton responds by performing a striptease for Eli Manning. [Page Six]
• An Us Weekly reporter gets pepper-sprayed by security when trying to get pics of Oliver Hudson's weekend wedding. Seems like quite a length to go for Goldie Hawn's other kid. [R&M (last item)]
• Keith Olbermann says Rita Cosby is "dumber than a suitcase full of rocks." Suspiciously masculine rocks, that is. [Lowdown]
• Liza Minelli's estranged, plasticine husband David Gest is accused of sexually harrassing his personal assistant, grabbing his jingly bits and punctuating orders with dirty talk. If true, Gest deserves every beating Liza ever gave him. [Page Six]
• Nick Lachey hooks up with MTV's Vanessa Minnillo, ensuring that Jessica Simpson will never again grace the set of TRL. [Scoop]
• For Michael Jackson, the proceeds from his Katrina charity single will go to straight to his pocket. After all, someone's gotta pay for his new earlobe. [Fox411]

In following with Britney Spears' announcement on the solidity of her marriage and her fitness as a mother, today's theme of "Celebrities Desperately Trying To Change The Negative Public Image They've Worked So Hard To Earn Day" continues with the leaking of yet more choice nuggets from Harper's Bazaar's interview with Lindsay Lohan, hitting newsstands June 20:

• Al Gore and Lindsay Lohan are in a "huge feud." "She knows what she did," says Gore. Wait — is he making a funny? Good for him! [Deadline Hollywood]
• There's a polio outbreak in Namibia, killing 7 adults and paralyzing 33 others — and the Times still manages to raise the Shiloh issue, if only to tell you that they've no idea whether or not she's been vaccinated. [NYT]
• The settlement regarding Shock's stolen cover photo is off; shitstorm to resume Monday. [AdAge]
• For the lazy fatty within us all, a list of restaurants within 200 meters of every single subway stop. [Taste of the NY Subway]
• No plans tonight? Staying home alone? Have some lotion, kleenex, and a good imagination? Then maybe you'll find some use for these not-so-hardcore Heather Mills pictures. [Fleshbot]
• Trolling Craigslist's women seeking men section brings surprisingly aggressive results. [Animal]
• Behind every activist working against "wealthy white masters" is a hefty trustfund, presumably from his wealthy white father. [Daily Politics]
• The Sun needs a new city editor. If you're a right-wing journo with pants hicked up to your ribcage, please contact editor Ira Stoll. [NY Press]

Any sympathy Lindsay Lohan amassed for herself or her maligned, ginger privates during the Brandon Davis Shitfaced Firecrotch Diatribe flap is evaporating, as press coverage has quickly abandoned the "victim" Lindsay persona for the vapid, stall-hopping, pre-Firecrotch era Lindsay. Take for instance her dream, shared in an upcoming Harper's Bizarre interview, of one day opening her own high-end fashion boutique:

Page Six reports today that at Monday night's CFDA awards, Lindsay Lohan got up to use the bathroom six times in a mere two hours. Unfortunately, Lohan was sitting at HRH Anna Wintour's table, and everyone knows how Anna prefers that her guests remain very, very still. Wintour reportedly told a staffer, "Tell her, if she gets up one more time, she will never be invited to one of my events again," and then asked Lohan's walker, Karl Lagerfeld, to "control" the young star's behavior.

We naively thought that sweat-slicked oil heir Brandon "Ask Me About My Feelings On Lindsay Lohan's Pubic Hair" Davis' heartfelt recitation of a lovingly crafted, publicist-composed apology might finally bring an end to the Shitfaced Firecrotch Diatribe flap. How could we have been so foolish? Today's Page Six pens an epilogue to the sad affair, reporting that Davis' grandmother has claimed that Davis and Lohan—in a stunning reversal!—are now dating. Predictably, official Protector of Lohan's Virtue, superflack Leslie Sloane Zelnick, puts any such notion in a burlap sack and drowns it in the nearest body of water:

• And the award goes to... People magazine, who won the Getty Images' first pictures of baby Shiloh for a mere $4.1 million. Props to Getty for making them scramble and outbid each other until 6 in the morning. [Page Six]
• While you organize a hunger strike until People publishes the pics, do enjoy the questionable image at right. At any rate, the baby's lips look real. [Dlisted]
• Former ReganBooks slave Bridie Clark pulls a Weisberger and skewers Judith Regan in her forthcoming roman a clef, Because She Can. If the movie looks half as good as Devil Wears Prada, we approve. [Lowdown]
• Crazy Barbara Davis defends her greasy grandson Brandon's comments about Lindsay Lohan's firecrotch, telling people that Lindsay and Brandon are dating now. Not true, says Lohan's rep, but delusional old ladies sure are cute. [Page Six]
• Delusional teen talents are cute, too: Lindsay Lohan drops out her latest project, Bill, because the directors aren't as awesome as Brett Ratner. [IMDb]
• Nicole Kidman schedules her June 25 wedding to Keith Urban for the evening hours, so as to thwart the paparazzi. If she'd just give in and let Getty take some pictures, Nicole could use the money to feed all of Angelina's Namibian leftovers. [Scoop]
• Born-again Christian Stephen Baldwin is irrelevant because the Lord wants it that way. [R&M]
• Elapsed time since Britney and K-Fed were last photographed together: 97 days and counting. [Us Weekly]

• Several confirmations today: God is dead, the world is nothing more than a cesspool of injustice, the horsemen are en route, and Anna Nicole Smith is pregnant. [R&M]
• Life & Style claims Lindsay Lohan spent $1 million on clothes last year and is now seeing a hypnotist to cure her shopping addiction. As if that addiction were her biggest problem. [Scoop]
• The Red Hot Chili Peppers may face a major lawsuit if Tom Petty decides that the band's first single, Dani California, is as similar to Mary Jane's Last Dance as everyone says it is. [Page Six]
• Uber-manager Benny Medina declares a moratorium on email. If he can make Mariah Carey into a similar taboo, then we'll really be impressed. [Lowdown]
• Les Moonves' wife Julie Chen finally comes clean and acknowledges that she's a robot. [Page Six]
• Eager to make career choices that will help her come out of her divorce looking mature and classy, Denise Richards joins the Pussycat Dolls. [TMZ]
• Kim Basinger files a motion to prevent her ex-husband Alec Baldwin from publishing a book about the ruin of their marriage. Let's take Basinger's side on this one — do we really want to hear any more about the 45-year-long divorce? [IMDb]

No arc in the smash hit youth drama Greasy Heirs has captivated audiences more than the Shitfaced Brandon Davis Firecrotch Diatribe A-plot, in which our moist, husky hero learns an important life lesson regarding the dangers of being too forthcoming with one's distaste for carrotbottomed girls. In today's heartwarming, road-to-resolution episode, Davis apologizes to besmirched-landing-strip victim Lindsay Lohan:

• America's first couple, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, may no longer be rolling in the filth of their wedded bliss. Brit's publicist refuses to deny that they've split, and in the court of celebrity trash, silence is an admission of divorce. If the sweet sounds of "Popozao" can't save a marriage, can anything? [Mirror UK]
• After signing a $6 million deal with Miramax Books for her memoirs, Barbara Walters has weaseled her way out of the contract in pursuit of a better deal elsewhere. If Hillary Clinton can get $8 million for her autobiography, then certainly Babs can fetch just as much. The face-lifts aren't going to pay for themselves, you know. [Page Six]
• Having worked for everyone in Hollywood, jailbird P.I. Anthony Pellicano may have worked with Israeli mobsters — a natural climb up the Power Jew ladder. [R&M]
• Brandon Davis issues an official apology to Lindsay Lohan after calling her a firecrotch. He's also "horrified" by that bit about her seven-foot-long clitoris, and considers the freckles coming out of her vagina to be "reprehensible." [Page Six]
• Fox News' Kimberly Guilfoyle is set to marry male socialite Eric Villency in Barbados tomorrow — and just in time, too, as she's 5 months pregnant. We can't have a bastard baby around Murdoch's house. [Lowdown]

• Al Roker continues to amaze the denizens of Philly, revealing that he is, as suspected, a hugger. As is Matt Lauer. Katie Couric? [Insert controversial pause] Sure, guess you could say she's a hugger, too. In fact, the entire staff of the Today show molests one another daily. Except for Ann Curry. No one will touch her. [NBC10]
• So who screamed at Brandon Davis, berating him for revealing Lindsay Lohan's clit length and demanding that he "take a shower"? This girl, that's who. And she's Lindsay's biggest fan, so step the fuck off. [BWE]
• MySpace isn't just for greasy hipsters and perverse predators — it's also for wannabe Playmates. [TMZ]
• Judge a book by its cover. [Book Covers]
• To Do, This Weekend: fuck a sailor, and fuck him good. Then tell everyone you know before realizing what you've done, then go get a STD test. [NY Sun]
• Mike Myers and his hockey stick are thisclose to joining Yonah Schimmel's and ABC No Rio as LES institutions. [Cityrag]
• Seriously, Frank Bruni, could you make us love you any more? Stop it! It's unnatural, this affection! [NYT]
• Meet the Harvard-Yale lovematch from hell. You may feel inferior now, but just wait until they move into their first Park Avenue penthouse and they start throwing crystal vases at one another. [Julia Allison]

No fleeting celebrity scandal worth the fifteen seconds it distracts us from our dreary, unfashionable lives can be complete without a t-shirt trying to quickly monetize the controversy. A press release informs us that something called ChoiceShirts.com (note: they don't appear to have hit their website yet) has already pumped out a couple of garments commemorating the recent feud over Brandon Davis' drunkenly expressed distate for the color of Lindsay Lohan's pubic hair. These early offerings beat to market Kitson's upcoming $48.00 Team Sweaty Oil Heir and Team Firecrotch shirts and scores of inevitable, if somewhat nonsensical, Cafe Press variations on the embattled-famous-person "Save Firecrotch/Free Firecrotch" meme. Buy one now and demonstrate your Lohan solidarity before you see something shiny and stop caring!

TMZ.com's unquestioned dominance of the sidewalks outside of various Hollywood drinking establishments has finally yielded new footage advancing the storyline of the Shitfaced Brandon Davis Firecrotch Diatribe affair, as the website's egress-haunting videographers caught Lindsay Lohan at Shag the other night, shouting, "Did you see the video?" as she exited the new club. Lohan wisely refrained from answering in the affirmative or rebutting Davis's earlier, drunken denoucement of her shockingly meager $7 million personal worth as she fled for the safety of her automobile, where, thankfully, no TMZ camera crew was waiting to ask her, "But what about the firecrotch, Lindsay? Are you red down there?" a query they are no doubt saving for their next encounter in front of Privilege later this week.

• After serving five days in jail rather than do community service for drunk driving in Honolulu, Michelle Rodriguez has been sentenced to 60 days for violating parole on a previous drunk driving incident in LA. She's also been ordered to rehab and must serve 30 days of community service. Clearly, the law is no fan of the way things have been going on Lost. [TMZ]
• Bad news for Brooklyn: Michelle Williams' father, Larry Williams, is in jail on tax evasion charges and stands accused of hiding $1.5 million from Uncle Sam. Which is exactly how he became a financial guru. [Page Six]
• Paris Hilton plays an angry voicemail from Lindsay Lohan for a group of friends, then calls her a cunt." We believe the correct term is firecrotch. [R&M (last item)]
• The ballad of Axl and Tommy continues: while the official line is that Hilfiger punched Axl Rose after Rose moved his drink (presumably so that Rose could take his table), Hilfiger's rage may be heightened by the fact that Rose is dating Diane O'Connor, the ex-wife of Hilfiger's adopted brother, Michael H. [Page Six]
• Namibians want to declare a national holiday on the day that Angelina Jolie gives birth. [MSNBC]
• Socialite Tory Burch's clothing line isn't selling, despite an Oprah endorsement in 2004. Will O save face by frying Burch on an upcoming episode? [Lowdown]

TMZ.com's video coverage of the Shitfaced Brandon Davis Firecrotch Diatribe continues, as the site has apparently dispatched cameramen to tail the semiprofessional clubgoer wherever he may drunkenly roam. This time, they dutifully record Davis getting an earful of insults from an angry Lindsay Lohan fan:

• Oil heir Brandon Davis claims to have called Lindsay Lohan and apologized for calling her firecrotch no less than ten times in a video aired last week on TMZ.com. Of course, this development comes via Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis, so the only thing we believe thus far is that this whole story reads like a dealer's address book. [Page Six]
• Incoming View-ette Rosie O'Donnell isn't tip-toeing around fading co-host Star Jones. Here's hoping the two share at least one tense, bitchy episode together before Jones is shown the door. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Welcome to the twilight zone: Brian Grazer makes out with Bai Ling; Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Laguna Beach's Talan Torriero. [Gatecrasher]
• Former ER star Alex Kingston claims she was turned down for Felicity Huffman's role on Desperate Housewives because she was too "curvy." And this is shocking because? [Scoop]
• Ivanka Trump blind item? [R&M (last item)]
• In his divorce from Heather Mills, Paul McCartney is determined to get custody of his 2-year-old daughter Beatrice, if only so he can prove to himself that he can raise at least one daughter who doesn't hate him. [Page Six]

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers. Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you saw Bruce Willis accidentally tumble into a wormhole and pop out in 1985.

• A 20-something woman who met Charlie Sheen through his millionairematch.com profile claims that while they dated, the actor asked her to dress up in schoolgirl outfits and wear her hair in pigtails. But he was just doing research for his line of children's clothing, seriously. Sheen Kids, on sale now! [Page Six]
• At the Maxim Hot 100 party, Lindsay Lohan takes the high road and refuses to talk about her firecrotch. [R&M (last item)]
• Everybody joins our cause in hating Mischa Barton and Access Hollywood. [IMDb]
• Russell Crowe desperately kisses ass, having his photo taken with a fan in the middle of his band's performance and leaving a 50% tip at dinner later that night. So that's two people who'll forget about his Mercer incident. Only 20 million more to go. [Page Six]
• The opening of the Jivamukti Yoga School is dominated by horrific celebrity B.O. [Lowdown]