In an item that was seemingly paid for by the Joint Council on Rehabilitating Lindsay Lohan's Image and Making the Tightest Celebrity Glory Hole in Hollywood Seem as Wholesome as a Mormon Daycare Center, Fox 411's Roger Friedman ventures deep into the darkest recesses of Hyde, the currently most-favored, velvet-roped walk-in closet of local scenesters. And what he finds there will shock you to the core:

While minding her own business on her day off by grabbing a low-key meal on the patio of The Ivy, Los Angeles' most paparazzi-infested eating establishment, congenital dehydration sufferer Lindsay Lohan was so rattled by an utterly unforeseeable attack of renegade photographers that she reached out to the only person who could possibly save her from being crushed beneath a mob of rampaging shutterbugs: a gossip blogger. Perez Hilton shares Lohan's Sidekick distress signal:

An operative on the Sunset-Gower lot, where the dehydration-plagued shoot of Lindsay Lohan's Georgia Rule is taking place, sent us this photo of some jokester's alteration of the plaque commemorating the fine work that's been produced at that facility. It's not as inventive a prank as, say, the craft services people oversalting her meals to the point that Lohan experiences some genuine dehydration, but it's still pretty good. And if they get lucky, the actress might mistake the plaque for a call sheet and return home for another unexcused day off, prompting more wildly entertaining public humiliations from her producer.

• Diddy reveals that he's just too damn old for this shit: after staying up all night and partying, he overslept and showed up over 5 hours late to his White Party. When you're too tired to go to your own vanity event, it's time to throw in the towel. [Page Six]
• Christie Brinkley comes face-to-face with philandering husband Peter Cook, copes with the pain by handing out popsicles. [NYDN]
• After skateboarder Chad Muska made an inappropriate comment about Nicky Hilton, her boyfriend and Entourage star Kevin Connolly jumped Muska and hit him. And yet Muska was the one asked to leave the club. With Aquaman comes infinite power. [Us Weekly]
• And so the torturous marriage of Star Jones and Al Reynolds draws to a close. [Page Six]
• Lindsay Lohan will be questioned in a lawsuit against her mother for fraud. If she testifies half as well as Paris Hilton does, we're in for a real treat. [TMZ]
• We almost didn't notice, but Daily News gossips Rush & Molloy finally update their columnist picture so that it actually looks like they do. [R&M]

• Anti-Semite Mel Gibson had been deeply depressed before he was arrested for his DUI; the incident was "a death wish." Alas, Gibson may still be alive, but no doubt he really killed his career. 50% ain't bad for an alchy. [Deadline Hollywood]
• But seriously, he's NOT an anti-Semite. He's just really, really pro-Jesus. [AP]
• Hard Rock heir Harry Morton lost his sister to a drug overdose, and he'll be damned if he loses his girlfriend Lindsay Lohan to the same fate. Hope Harry's been working out, because it's going to take some muscle to pry that twenty out of her nose. [R&M]
• When Diana Bianchi slept with Christie Brinkley's husband Peter Cook, nobody won — except for Fawn Gettling, a video studies major at the Art Institute of New York City who made a quick bundle with a documentary she'd made about a then-unknown Bianchi and her struggle with anorexia and bulimia. [Page Six]
• A waitress claims that restaurateur Brian McNally hit her after she threw a glass at him. Of course, they were fighting about Israel and Hezbollah, so this is all perfectly understandable. This war really does serve as the universal excuse. [Page Six]

Lindsay Lohan should be thanking her lucky sugar tits, as her collapse on the set of Georgia Rule and subsequent public flogging by the movie's producer have come to seem like sweet-natured career missteps in comparison to other recent, alcohol-related events. THR reported over the weekend that Lohan was back at work the next day, greeted by cast and crew with the awkward presentation of a half-melted ice cream cake reading "Welcome Back From Your Prompt Dehydration Recovery, Li[unintelligible]." Ultimate Cool Party Mom Dina Lohan, meanwhile, railed at Robinson in an Access Hollywood interview for unfairly assailing her frail, asthma-suffering, 19-year-old daughter. (Lohan turned 20 on July 2.)

· The WOW Report is all over Lindsay Lohan's next move should that angry letter from her producer hurt her future career prospects.
· The Franklin Avenue blog discovers what happens when Lost's producers get sloppy with the details: they have Hurley shrug it off. Sometimes a washing machine is just a washing machine, and not a Hanso Foundation conspiracy to drive people in the hatch crazy.
· AP entertainment editor writes headline, "Movie Prompts Barrymore to Take Up Poker," retrieves loaded revolver from desk drawer, blows brains out.
· More "Lance Bass used to pretend to be straight" hilarity: Giggle knowingly as Sharon Osbourne watches Bass shower and tries to set him up with her daughter.
· For that special lady in your life, Gawker's "Hot Piece of Twat" t-shirt.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers. Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you saw Ed Harris weather the indignity of having to tell the airport limo driver holding the "E. Harris" sign that he's the guy.

The Smoking Gun has obtained a letter from Morgan Creek CEO James G. Robinson to "dehydrated" star Lindsay Lohan, in which the exasperated producer opens up a can of mind-blowing whoop-ass on Lohan for her antics on the set of George Rule. The letter, hand-delivered to Lohan HQ at the Chateau Marmont, essentially calls bullshit on the actress's "bogus excuses" for skipping out on work ("heat exhaustion" and "not feeling well" no longer fly at The Creek), and threatens that the company will "pursu[e] full monetary damages" the next time she pulls a no-show or any other shenanigans related to her "ongoing all night heavy partying." Well, damn. When he puts it like that, a little harmless partying that results in missed work days, production delays, and the occasional hospital visit sounds so, like, serious and junk.

• Enjoy this image as Victoria Silvstedt enjoys sex for one. The problem is not masturbation, because obviously everyone diddles here and there — but who the fuck makes that kind of face when they're flying solo? [Save Manny]
• On her Sirius radio show, Martha Stewart's daughter Alexis disturbingly reveals her sex romp with a then-unmarried Peter Cook, the Christie Brinkley's philandering husband. Is there no limit to where this man will go? [Page Six]
• People lie on camera! Breaking! [Lowdown]
• If you're going to get caught cheating on your girlfriend, it might as well be with a 21-year-old bisexual model. Well done, Simon Cowell. [R&M]
• Kid Rock enjoys his last days as a bachelor with a Pam Anderson clone. [TMZ]
• Someone please amuse us with a connection between Lindsay Lohan's recent hospitalization and her newest tattoo. Points for creativity. [Page Six]

The heat may wilt crops, fell cattle, and stack bodies two to a gurney, but still Lindsay Lohan parties on. This really isn't going to help her get past the idea that she's indestructible.

We really hate to seem obsessive about this Lindsay Lohan "dehydration" business, but a good, solid Lohan collapse-and-emergency-hospitalization really only happens every six months or so, and thus we have to savor it knowing we might have to wait until winter for the next episode. In the interest of providing a total accounting of Lohan's whereabouts over the pre- and post-dehydration periods, paparazzi agency x17 has pieced together the swoon-prone actress' recent schedule:

Not that you need any special reason to reflexively doubt the words coming out of a publicist's mouth in the moments following a client crisis, but a troublemaking reader with pharmacy credentials writes in to refute the flack-approved explanation of "dehydration" for Lindsay Lohan's latest suspicious hospital stay:

One might expect that collapsing from exertion in unseasonable heat and being administered Vitamin B shots at one's favorite hospital would be enough excitement in a single day for a dangerously dehydrated starlet. But if the heat-stroker in question happens to be Lindsay Lohan, a little emergency room pit-stop is nothing more than a perfect happy hour tune-up for a night out on the town. Reports a reader who claims to have seen the actress last night and not been aware of her hospitalization earlier that day:

Holy fuck. Bitch is dehydrated AGAIN?!

A hard-partying starlet has no better friend than a heat wave like the one we've been experiencing in L.A., which provides a handy excuse for an on-set collapse that might otherwise raise suspicions that the swooning performer was brought down by the powdery Colombian monkey on her back. The Insider reports that a "overheated and dehydrated" Lindsay Lohan was taken to the hospital yesterday from the set of Georgia Rule, an incident immediately attributed by her quick-thinking flack to good, old-fashioned hard work in triple-digit temperatures:

· We think we know what Jeremy Piven wished for when he blew out the candle on his birthday cake this weekend: For Lindsay Lohan to put on a flesh-colored bikini and do her best recreation of a really creepy kiddie porn photo shoot.

· This Craiglist ad seeking a "palm leaf oscillator" for a "high powered industry executive" may be a joke, but we suspect a real position involving the manual temperature control of a spoiled studio type will be created by morning.

Maybe it's too early in the morning to consider any photograph whose subject is a shirtless Jeremy Piven, but there's something strangely poignant, something that bears our attention, about this frozen moment from his birthday party in Malibu this weekend. It's impossible to know what Piven was thinking as he stared somberly at the cake placed before him, but we imagine that in the instant before reaching some kind of breakthrough about the meaning of what he's accomplished in his 41 years, he suddenly drew himself back from the precipice of epiphany, plunged both hands deep into its chocolatey recesses, and smearing its delicious icing across his face like warpaint, stalked off to do a dozen tequila shots out of the navel of the semi-naked Lindsay Lohan lingering nearby. This was a party, after all, and not the time for quiet introspection.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers. Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the (most recent) time you saw Tyra Banks and Brittany Murphy high-fiving the night away.

• In an effort to prove herself as a serious actress, child star Dakota Fanning will appear naked and in a rape scene for the movie Hounddog. Also, this may be the first and only time Lloyd Grove succeeds in a jaw-dropping item. Way to go out with an extremely uncomfortable bang, buddy. [Lowdown]
• Britney Spears reveals her hidden literary talent, revealing on her website her secret passion for tigers. It's some of her best work, featuring multisyllabic words like "mesmerized" and "mysteriousness." [Page Six]
• Paris Hilton has feelings too, you know. When TMZ readers call her "an overused human condom," it hurts Hilton, who calls the comments "mean and sadistic." That's a big word, Paris — now try telling us what it means. [TMZ]
• "Somebody" hacks into Lindsay Lohan's BlackBerry and uses it to send all sorts of unfavorable messages to her friends. Seems as if young Hollywood is plagued by this sort of problem more than gonorrhea. [Page Six]
• 31 years later, Rolling Stone Keith Richards is pardoned for getting stoned in Memphis. [R&M (last item)]
• Haley Joel Osment is old enough to drive and get in an accident. [People]
• Daniel Baldwin is old enough to drive and get in an accident and have no one give a shit. [BBC]