Star magazine and its ilk are always asking "experts" like "New York-based psychologist Dr. Cooper Lawrence" to weigh in on the pressing tabloid issues of the day. With Britney Spears just now apparently checking herself out of rehab, AGAIN, WTF, we wanted in on the action! So we called up Robert Wolski, MD, an honest-to-goodness Manhattan-based board-certified psychiatrist, and asked him to explain the people who explain Britney. Our conversation with Dr. Robert actually ended up helping us work through a few of our issues; we hope you'll find reading it equally therapeutic.

• Britney Spears should remain in rehab until we win in Iraq. [NYP]
  

· Oscar FunTime: The Big Screen Little Screen invites you to participate in the kind of "Pick One Quirk From Column A, Then One From Column B" character work that's carried Little Miss Sunshine to multiple Academy Awards nominations.
· American Idol shocker! Contestant pees into toilet, has breasts!
· Now even minor league hockey teams are victimizing Britney Spears.
· Tired of Studio 60 video parodies? Mix it up with one about Heroes.
· Annals of Unauthorized Celebrity Endorsements: Alicia Silverstone and the Indian tongue scraper.

It seems that Britney Spears' family has determined that this weekend's head-shearing, cheesy-tattoo-procuring (we're still waiting to hear that she secretly got one of pink dolphins swimming in a happy little circle around her navel) meltdown was not the act of someone for whom a daylong DemonCleanse at the Crossroads Centre was a sufficient rehabilitation option, as she's reportedly been checked in to another defective-celebrity refurbishing facility. According to the Enquirer, the lucky spa-hab outlet is Promises Malibu, which will put Spears just a quick jaunt up the PCH away from tonight's fund-raising after-party at David Geffen's place; the first real test of her commitment to sobriety may come when she's forced to decide whether to stick out the night at Promises or call someone from her enabling circle to spring her so they can "try to crash that thing for Barky Bama's birthday or whatever."

When news breaks all sorts of "professionals" with "qualifications" show up on television, offering their "expert analysis." But we've often found that the man or woman on the street is just as wise as these self-appointed pundits. In order to get to the bottom of the recent events concerning Britney Spears, we sent The Assimilated Negro and Gawker videographer Richard Blakeley out to the gritty streets of SoHo to solicit your opinions. These are your stories.

As a newly suedeheaded Britney Spears enjoys the fruits of her follicularly unencumbered, wash n' go lifestyle, the early spring cleaning continues for America's Unhinged Sweetheart, as The Scoop notes she has put the Beverly Hills home she only recently purchased back on the market:

• Crashing a stranger's birthday party in an ugly wig probably wasn't the best idea Britney's ever had. [NYDN]
  

· Australian customs officials search Sylvester Stallone's hotel room and private jet, suspecting the actor of smuggling his fading acting career into the country.
· Britney Spears' head-shaving meltdown may hurt her traditional endorsement opportunities, but could open up exciting new ones with companies like Omega, manufacturer of the clipper that's so easy to use, "Even a pop star in the middle of a nervous breakdown can do it!™"
· And if nothing else, Spears can try the acting thing again.
· Oki Dog finally brings home an A! We knew they were just underachieving.
· Breaking: Four-legged duckling twice as adorable as the bipedal variety.

Earlier today, Britney Spears announced that she'd be starring in a Broadway production of "The Year of Magical Fabricating Identity," a Scott Rudin production of the life story of non-person JT Leroy. "I've got a wig, y'all," Ms. Spears announced. "And so did shim. Or herm. Thon! Whatever ya call it!"

We hate to return to the subject of Britney Spears' shorn skull again on our abbreviated "holiday" schedule, but we felt it necessary to follow up our earlier post about the rampant fraud being perpetrated on the eBays with exciting news about the unique opportunity ("of a lifetime"!) to acquire the genuine tangle of chemically abused hair famously liberated from its imprisonment on Spears' scalp during her Valley-spanning Friday night meltdown. The savvy proprietors of Tarzana's hottest head-shaving salon have now established a web presence to facilitate the sale of the locks, which the winning bidder (reserve price: $1 million*, which includes a bonus package including a can of Red Bull, a lighter, and the BuyBritneysHair.com URL) is then free to use to publicize a gambling website, establish a shrine to which deranged Spears devotees will flock for years to come, or to clone their very own pop star, who, after a promising early career, will eventually succumb to the overwhelming pressures of fame and freak the fuck out at various locations along Ventura Boulevard. Happy bidding, eccentric millionaires and online gaming concerns!

As even the highest-altitude Tibetan monks with access to WiFi know by now, on Friday night, Britney Spears finally succumbed to the relentless voices in her head telling her, "We can't hear anything with all this hair on top of us! Get rid of it, please!" Moments later, a tidal gust of Santa Ana winds swept through the now famous salon and carried the shavings to the far corners of the globe, where entrepreneurial spirits lucky enough to be visited by one of her locks instantly took to the World Wide Webs to capitalize on their good fortune. Be warned, however, that eBay is a grifters' playground; we leave you to sort out the authentic strands from the impostors with access to a head of fried brown hair and a pair of scissors, keeping in mind J.T. Tognozzi, husband-to-the-Tarzana-hairstylist-stars, has already warned the LAT that any such offering comes from "scam artists." He claims the genuine article is in safe keeping, where they plan to "sell the shorn hair on EBay, give it to a charitable organization," or possibly donate it as the centerpiece exhibit of the Britney Spears Nervous Breakdown Museum, breaking ground in Kentwood, LA sometime in 2009.

• The tarnished pop princess was spotted covering up with a "short blonde wig" as she chain-smoked by the pool at the Mondrian in LA. Scintillating! [E! Online]
  

Since we kicked off for the weekend, recent rehab window-shopper Britney Spears did two of the following three things upon her return to L.A.:

Britney Spears, who also may be the West coast Nancy Spungen—which is to say, chick's courting death, y'all!—hosted her own Mulholland Drive party in the armpit of the San Fernando Valley last night. Her conceptual project began with a 10-minute crying jag in a car with dark-tinted windows. Classic Laura Dern arthouse shtick! A bit later she forced a closed salon to open so that she could shave her own head. Then she decided to pass some time dazedly walking alongside some suburban blight to a tattoo parlor, mumbling incoherently all the while. Apparently she saw some talking rabbits. Naomi Watts has nothing on this young comer!

Updates about Britney Spears' reported enrollment in the 24-hour Rapid Dry™ program at Eric Clapton's Crossroads Centre in Antigua have been slow to develop, but Access Hollywood seems to have landed the first official publicist denial about the story:

And so it goes: According to Extra—exclusively, at least until People, Us Weekly, and TMZ rush their reports online in the next five minutes—Britney Spears has finally decided to make a proactive decision about her health and check into rehab, where she and her overexposed ladyparts can reflect about the poor decisions they've made over the last few turbulent months. There's no information on what facility she's chosen, but we hope that she selects the celebrity-friendly, Lohan-approved Wonderland Center, which will provide her with a Sober Nanny who will allow Spears to quickly return to the baby-neglecting routine that will bring much-needed stability to her recovery process.

• Foxy Brown (aka Inga Marchand), who recently completed her probation for attacking a manicurist in Manhattan, was arrested again yesterday for creating a disturbance in a beauty supply store. We're pissed at that eyeshadow too, Foxy! [TSG]
  

Hey, remember 2004, when Britney Spears hung out with her mom-jeansed assistant Felicia Culotta all the time? You know, Felicia! FE! The lady immortalized in Britney's genius Honeymoon Poem:

By now you may have seen the pictures from Britney Spears' latest East Coast escapades, during which she made good on her pledge to debut a "new me" in 2007 by choosing to conquer NYC nightlife wearing nothing but a jewel-encrusted mini-necktie and bikini. (She's since returned to our left-coasted shores, where we strongly suspect the clothing-optional party will continue to rage.) One former Spears confidante, however—Felicia Culotta, her nine-year "personal assistant, chaperone, and friend"—can hold her tongue no longer:

So, ho hum, supposed lez and known drunky Britney Spears was in New York this weekend, all up in the clubs as is her wont. TMZ has a video of what it purports is Britvom; for our part, we're more intrigued by what's going on in this photo. Seriously, who is this magnificent creature (not Britney)? We think we recognize him from Blade, or the Thriller video. GAY VAMPIRES ARE MAKING BRITNEY PUKE! More at 11.