To: BSpe@crazytown.com

Subject: Everybody Hurts-Michael Stipe once said.

· Everything was going beautifully at Anna Nicole's funeral, until the coffin was attacked by a giant, pink, body-snatching alien squid!
· Please, that's nothing. We can call an Angelina pic blurred down to a single, grey pixel from 10 yards. [via BoingBoing]
· We know you've been on pins and needles since Big Pussy backed out of Dancing with the Stars. Well, sleep easy: That guy from that show has come in to replace him.
· Britney gets out for a little shopping, and becomes totally engrossed in this book that really captures her rehab experience.
· Mmmm...Chicken McHeads...

• Britney Spears understands that leaving rehab to go shopping is a really, really good idea. Especially if you stop by a friend's house to pick up a "bag." [US]
  

Tomorrow's the full moon, and, well, you know what that means. Wait, you don't? Well, time for a little woo-woo ladyscience lesson! Can you think of something besides the moon that waxes and wanes on a monthly basis? That's right: uterine linings. If you'd like to "become reacquainted with Mother Moon," you can look at the info on this probably specious but who cares web site. But if you'd like to just take our word and roll with it, here's what we consider to be evidence that this week, everyone had MAD PMS.

• Britney Spears' official website features a new tiger-themed animation that will take your breath away, especially if you turn the sound way up. She's back, y'all! Well, in a website way. [Britney Spears]
  

In landing Us Weekly's cover to tell His Side of the Why Britney Spears Went Batshit Insane, Shaved Her Head, Entered Rehab, Escaped Rehab, And Ultimately Bought Out An Entire Wing At Promises Story, Kevin Federline's improbable journey from Superbowl ad punchline to Deadbeat Dad & Estranged Househusband Quarterly's Comeback of the Year recipient is nearly complete. Soon, the entire world will know all the gripping details of Federline's "transformation into Super Dad," a total image rehabilitation marked by crippling crying jags over his better-monied soulmate's troubles, depressive episodes that subside only upon his realization that his emergency custody of Sean Preston and the other one might prove highly lucrative if "sources close to him" keep feeding magazines stories about how he's selflessly resisted the temptation to drop off the rugrats at Promises' Sober Day Care program so that he can focus on his promising music and acting careers.

Details continue to trickle from within the gated, seaside facility known as Promise Malibu, inside which Britney Spears battles her impulse-humoring demons (HairRecoveryWatch: .4 inches and counting!). Following Friday's 90-minute visit from ex-husband Kevin Federline, ExtraTV.com is reporting that Spears' shatter-resistant children Sean Preston and Jayden James have also dropped by; their initial distress at seeing their shorn mom was quickly allayed once she handed them a box of color Sharpies and let them go to town on her scalp. The Scoop also notes that Spears has opted to spare no expense during her stay there, booking a whole wing of the recovery center for her rehabilitation needs:

· Helen Mirren, distressingly chaste during her Oscar acceptance speech, saved the sexytime talk for Oprah. Oh, to be one of her breast-cupping seraphim!
· You know what might have been the most exciting thing about these brain-smoothingly boring Oscars? This guy.
· Critics are sharply divided over whether Ellen DeGeneres was dull or unfunny.
· We always had it feeling that it would be Titanic director James Cameron who first presented us with physical evidence of the historical Jesus Christ. He never lets us down.
· Travolta's hair stylist sought inspiration in a somewhat unorthodox place, but one really can't argue with the stunning results.
· Breaking: Britney Spears might have a substance abuse problem.

Well, you know we'd been lying awake at night wondering what Britney's public combustion meant—not just in terms of her status as a simulacrum of our culture, but in terms of the symbolic values she herself is assigning to her subversive actions. Umm, yes, that's what we were thinking. Today, thank heavens, New York magazine's art critic, Mark Stevens, has explained it all.

• Brandon Davis, the oil heir who's 'famous' for coining "firecrotch" and for being the ugliest man ever to date Mischa Barton, caused quite a ruckus at Paris Hilton's zillionth 26th birthday party. At one point, he picked up Courtney Love and told her "I want to squirt on you." Horrors. [R&M]
  

Paparazzi caught Kevin Federline driving through the gates of Promises Malibu today (motto: "We're not making any!"™), where inside*, he found the mother of his children undergoing the latest in rehabilitatory advancements, chained to a radiator in a Confederate flag cut-off. From People.com:

• New pix have emerged of Britney Spears attacking a paparazzo's car with an umbrella on Wednesday night. We think the Daily News is kind of sexist to characterize this as a 'freakout' — when male celebs attack photographers, they're just being 'assertive.' It's not fair. [NYDN]
  

· She's right, you know: If you're looking for the number 24 everywhere, you're going to find it everywhere.
· All that is required for the triumph of neglectful-pop-star-parent-evil is that good nannies be silent.
· Banging Harvey Weinstein has absolutely nothing to do with Marchesa's Georgina Chapman getting her designs onto the bodies of Oscar nominees who may want to work with Weinstein in the future.
· If Chinese Theatre Spider-Man's Oscar picks weren't your thing, how about some by a creepy ventriloquist's dummy?
· And speaking of the Chinese Theatre characters, the Chewbacca headbutt comes right at about the two minute mark on this one.
· Katie Holmes: Vagina Warrior. We'll leave it up to you to figure out on your own what horrors might lurk at that link's destination.

• We joined the media bowling leagues because we can't even believe there is such a thing. We sang "Take the shitheads bowling! Take them bowling!" Then we kicked some ass. Suck it, Comedy Central!
  

So, Britney Spears has reentered some rehab facility or other. And maybe the Post's hope that she'll stay there until we win in Iraq will pan out this time; according to TMZ, this is Britney's "last chance" before K-Fed goes looking for full custody.

The paparazzi-clotted streets of West Hollywood are safe again (at least for now): TMZ is reporting that an elite team of patient reclamation specialists from Promises Malibu—armed with oversized butterfly nets, the latest taser technology, and a baby rattle (she misses Sean Preston and the other one)—have succeeded in subduing rehabilitation fugitive Britney Spears and have returned her to lockdown at their minimum security facility. Also: the children are in Kevin Federline's custody, as Spears' preferred child care provider, the clown-faced ghost of Anna Nicole Smith, was unavailable due to a previous commitment.

• On her way from another one-day rehab stint in Malibu, Britney Spears found time to tell People that she's "great." [People]
  

· Is releasing clips with exposed time codes so they look "leaked" the newest thing in promotional viral video? Anyway, enjoy these Will Ferrell dick-dips from Blades of Glory, coming soon to a theater near you!
· Famous person has two babies! At the same time! Incredible.
· Where will Britney do her first Redemption Tour interview? If she's truly lost her shit, she'll bypass Diane Sawyer for Carson Daly.
· Every 25 year marriage is bound to have its rough patches, right? We're sure Dave and Paul will works things out eventually, but you know how it is when the wife is all blah blah blah all the time.
· Hey, sex-attacking bat demons!

A brave Defamer operative in WeHo relates her near-brush with potentially dangerous rehab fugitive Britney Spears, who a little while ago mesmerized some law enforcement officers into assisting her escape from the swarming paparazzi looking to collect the bounty on her bald head:

After a daring, early morning escape from Promises Malibu involving an armor-plated Escalade piloted by toddler Sean Preston (we told you she was training the kid to be a getaway driver), Britney Spears is once again free of the clutches of yet another evil cadre of sobriety-pushers hell-bent on denying her the kind of good, clean, alcohol-fueled, baby-neglecting fun so readily available to members of her celebrity hedonist caste at Hollywood's VIP lounges. Brace yourselves for a follow-up report about a Promises re-check-in before lunchtime, just as soon as one of her concerned parents tranquilize her and schlep their daughter's unconscious form back to Malibu, where she'll be chained to a gold-plated radiator until she lasts at least two days in a treatment facility.