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By now you may have seen the pictures from Britney Spears' latest East Coast escapades, during which she made good on her pledge to debut a "new me" in 2007 by choosing to conquer NYC nightlife wearing nothing but a jewel-encrusted mini-necktie and bikini. (She's since returned to our left-coasted shores, where we strongly suspect the clothing-optional party will continue to rage.) One former Spears confidante, however—Felicia Culotta, her nine-year "personal assistant, chaperone, and friend"—can hold her tongue no longer:

"I cherish ALL the incredible opportunities that came my way thru my job with Britney and am crushed/saddened/heart sick by the way her life is unfolding," Culotta wrote in an email to ThatOtherBlog.com. "There's just so much you can do to help a person — I don't dare want to be an enabler, and I cannot love her enough for the both of us. I cannot convince her in ANY way to love herself."

Culotta also indicated that some of her attempts at helping Spears haven't been well-received.

"I'm so Southern, and the BEST way for me to tell you how I feel is to say—You can just kick an old Dog so many times before he gets off the porch," she wrote. "I, FELICIA, am OFF the porch!!"

We only speak a bit of Hick, but Culotta's likening of herself to a kicked old dog who has long since vacated the porch of Britney's intervention resistance is a far more lyrical description than any we could have written, instantly reminding us of that other maxim, "You can lead a horse to water, but it'll probably end up ordering the Cristal, neglecting its two baby colts, and throwing up in the back of limo anyway."

Bonus Link: BestWeekEver.tv noticed that Britney is boldly venturing where Sam Jackson and Alec Baldwin have gone before: Send someone you love a personalized phone message from Britney, then pick up a bottle of Midnight Fantasy, the intoxicating fragrance featuring soft floral top notes, with subtle base notes of KFC Popcorn Chicken and vomit.