As several of you tipped us to yesterday, the final settlement t's have been crossed and marital dissolution i's dotted in the Spears-Federline divorce negotiations, leaving Britney Spears and her onetime wifebeater-wearing wooer free to go their separate ways:

Celebrity divorce lawyer appointment confirmation service TMZ.com reports that—right now—recovering Cokeaholic Britney Spears and estranged househusband Kevin Federline are huddling with their bad-idea-reversing barrister at her Century City offices, putting the final touches on a settlement that would give Spears primary child-endangerment rights going forward and provide Federline enough cash to maintain the levels of ridiculousness in his kick game to which he's become accustomed. Our own operatives on the scene seem to confirm negotiations are proceeding apace:

BusinessWeekman Jon Fine has called out TMZ for sending Britney Spears "valentines," saying that the stories about the "rehab doll" they've been running have been suspiciously favorable. He cites the site's reports that Britney "has had an utter personality change since going into rehab" and its description of her as "radiant, smiling, and hatted" as evidence. "If the first 'official' photo session of a rehabbed Ms. Spears appears on TMZ.com, we'll know we're truly onto something," he concludes. It's an interesting take, but probably not an accurate one. Thing is, when Britney is staying out of nightclubs and keeping her clothes and wig on, there's really not much to say! The only way to make a story is to be all "she has turned her life around for good." Plus, if Britney or her people (such as they are) could figure out how to get TMZ in their pocket, Britney wouldn't be on TMZ in the first place. Right?

• Britney Spears lost "10 pounds" in rehab thanks to "spa treatments." [TOB]
  

A Defamer operative lucky to be alive following an encounter with tenuously sane and sober Promises escapee Britney Spears during her loose-toothed, Presbyterian pistol-whipping rampage through Los Angeles yesterday files this report about her harrowing forced imprisonment with the potentially dangerous pop-star menace:

A post-Promises Britney Spears has, rather inspiringly, chosen to throw herself right back into the swing of life, with every new morning filled with the possibilities of a productive, sober existence, refreshingly free of SUVs who taunt her until she has no choice but to silence them with enraged umbrella beatings. In between such wholesome activities as paying surprise visits to hip-hop dance classes and to the dentist for toothache treatment, Britney has also begun attending church services, where, according to an Extra press release, her overenthusiastic security detail went above and beyond to ensure a shutterbug-free worshipping experience:

• Britney Spears went to the hospital because of a problem with her teeths. [TMZ]
  

Britney Spears's camp (now down to her manager, a lawyer who bills by the nervous breakdown, and a single, overtaxed nanny knee deep in crap-filled Luvs) was determined to prevent the kinds of anonymously leaked, "Tales of the Rehab Crypt" stories that have littered the U.S. media landscape this past month from appearing in the British tabloid press. Why, we're not entirely sure, as the English have always looked sympathetically upon the struggles of Coke-addict Satanists and their ilk, but the injunction was nevertheless successful:

Lily Tomlin, American hero, reacts to the recent leak of video outtakes that show her throwing-down with I Heart Huckabees director David O. Russell: "After poor Britney Spears, with her poor little legs open ... I'm not the least bit upset about it," she said. "That's part of the upside and the downside of the Internet." So, so true. We will sit through as many clips of Lily Tomlin as we have to if it means we also get the occasional glimpse of Britney's sad pudendum.

Nearly one month ago, Britney Spears electively checked herself into rehab-to-the-stars facility Promises Malibu, limbs flailing and unsuccessfully attempting to haul a drag off a Newport as four bulky orderlies carried her inside. During that time, she was rumored to have been visited by a newly sainted deadbeat ex-husband, found a soundbite-friendly spiritual soul-mate, shopped online while vomiting demon pea soup, and induced hyperglycemia through the gluttonous consumption of carbonated cola. But to her credit, Britney managed to hang in there, and she now walks again among us, an honors graduate of the Promises Path to Celebrity Sobriety program:

• Congratulations, Britney! Now you will be sober forever! [CNN]
  

We're not entirely sure which unfortunate webmaster has been assigned the thankless task of redesigning Britney Spears's official website, but whoever they are, they have already replaced the unsettling tiger imagery with a placeholder homepage that hints at wonderful, vintage-Playboy-inspired things to come. And instead of angry poetry, we get a spiral notebook full of good wishes for a speedy recovery from fans around the globe, such as Anthony, whose sentiments about weathering life's rough, bumpy bits we're certain comforted the singer when she took a short break from a 17-hour Coca-Cola-fueled mattress-trampolining session to check her laptop.

Who cares whether magazine letters to the editor are real—are the fan mails so proudly displayed on Britney Spears' website real? There are two possible answers to this question. A) No, they're way too insane to be possibly real! And B) They're real, so fear for humanity. A sampling of sentiments expressed: "There is no other person on this earth that can ever hold the power that you have. You are strong, and a well-driven woman." And! "You have given us SO MUCH, and now it's time for us to give back to you." Of course: "You have always stood for everything that is good and sent out positive messages. You are the star Britney and no one can take that away from you." Hmm, maybe the answer is: C) Britney's mail got switched with Kim Jong-il's.

Britney Spears Official Website

Star magazine reports that the in-patient currently occupying rooms 1 through 14 of Promises Malibu may be the facility's most legally wired, with vast amounts of high fructose corn syrup and caffeine constantly coursing through her veins, courtesy of the reportedly 24 cans of Coke Britney Spears consumes daily:

Just because Daniel Baldwin struck out with Britney Spears doesnt mean the convalescing clipper-abuser (HairRecoveryWatch: Long enough to sustain a butterfly clip!) was completely closed off to the possibility of romance during her rehabilitative stay at Promises Malibu. The National Enquirer recently reported that Spears had embarked upon a journey of spiritual fulfillment and marathon face-sucking with Jason Filyaw, the "33-year-old lead guitarist of the rock band Riva." (Being unfamiliar with said band, we tracked down their website, which we promptly abandoned 15 words into an introductory bio that began, "Like a finely aged whiskey, the inside of this band is strong, smooth & nurtured...") TMZ then tracked down Filyaw, who offered some thoughts about his relationship with the "Crazy" and "Toxic" singer:

Rumors are swirling that Britney Spears is checking out of Promises in Malibu two days early in order to attend her estranged husband Kevin Federline's 29th birthday party tonight. Like Britney, Kevin, and everything about their history, relationship, children, careers, and pets, the party is to be ultra classy: according to X17, Kevin is pimping rights to cover his bash for $25,000, a price that reportedly doesn't even include an exclusive interview with the man himself. Still, if Britney will be there, it sounds like a bargain: who knows what wig she will wear! Who can say??

• In a rare interview with British Vogue, Kate Moss discussed her compassion for the paparazzi: "'Once I was walking from The Mercer [hotel] in New York down the street (because otherwise I don't walk anywhere), and this woman paparazzo who was following me fell over a fire hydrant and her whole tooth went through her lip. I leant over her, saying, 'Are you all right?' and she was still taking pictures. I was, 'You know what? You are sick in the head.'" [Independent]
  

The attached image [full version here] is not, as you might believe at first glance, an innovative initiative by California Child Protective Services to turn over the complicated matter of the custody of Britney Spears' children to an online referendum, an issue made especially tricky by disturbing reports that she's enrolled in Promises' controversial "Tame Your Demons By Embracing Satan, Their Dark Lord And Master" course of therapy. Unfortunately, this is merely the crass work of online advertisers trying to make a quick buck from Spears' pain; perhaps most troubling is that the opportunistic pushers of "free" laptops don't even really care about your opinion on how to solve the custody dilemma, as casting a vote to allow Britney to keep the kids or one ordering their immediate removal from her neglectful guardianship both forward you to the same shady promotional offer—one would hope that making the "right" choice would at least result in an upgrade to something with more RAM or a faster processor.

· Sadly, not even a special 100 Movies That Would Be Better If Marky Mark Starred In Them Issue was able to stop Premiere's circulation slide, forcing Hachette Filipacchi Media to shutter the magazine. Their website, however, will live on with all the fun bloggiebays and interactive pollamajigs that the kids love so much these days.
· Variety raids the Hollywood Reporter's newsroom.
· GHWB denies that the suspicious lacerations on his hand were caused by running it along Teri Hatcher's razor-sharp, bony ass.
· Ralph Fiennes transfers his membership in the Mile High Club to one in the Banging Four Broads in a Belgian Swimming Pool Club. Truly, this is a new hero for these uncertain times.
· If you've always suspected that Britney Spears is secretly a ninja with Real Ultimate Power, this is the website for you. [via BoingBoing]
· Now what fun is a Britney doll that you can't shave yourself?

With Britney Spears is rumored to be occupying an "entire wing" of Promises Malibu (writes one incredulous reader: "There are no 'wings' at promises. It is a 3500 sq. ft. house with 3 bedrooms for 6 people with a pool house that they throw 4 people in, and a bedroom that hosts 5-10 staff members crammed in a corner,") scattered reports had Britney on an authorized furlough from the grounds for a 90-minute shopping excursion, and returning with her nose buried in a turquoise paperback. TMZ now has the EXCLUSIVE! details on Spears' recent $3000 online spending spree (feel free to immerse yourself in the complete, brand-whoring experience here). But could all this conspicuous consumption simply be a smokescreen for the dark events that are really going down behind Promises' walls? Citing pillar of British journalistic credibility News of the World, The Sydney Daily Telegraph reports about the alleged head-spinning and projectile pea soup coming from behind Britney's door: