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Star magazine reports that the in-patient currently occupying rooms 1 through 14 of Promises Malibu may be the facility's most legally wired, with vast amounts of high fructose corn syrup and caffeine constantly coursing through her veins, courtesy of the reportedly 24 cans of Coke Britney Spears consumes daily:

"Usually when a patient eats [a lot of] sugar," adds the source, "it means that they are coming down from a drug that kept them really up, like cocaine or speed." And Britney is definitely chowing down on the sweets. "She has been drinking tons of Coca-Cola — about two cases a day, or 24 Cokes in 24 hours. She drinks one after the other!" a source tells Star. [...]

But Coke binges are just part of Brit's sugar fix. "She is also constantly eating lollipops and other hard candy, and when she eats food, it's always something sweet, like danishes or donuts or cake or cookies."

While Star's anonymous source attributes the extreme cravings to withdrawal symptoms, our darkest fears point to something much more foreboding: That Spears has somehow accidentally fused her genetic code with that of a common housefly, perhaps while secretly developing the teleportation technology that could instantly send her children home if she happened to be in the mood for a night on the town. The monstrous result—the "Britneyfly," as she has begun to refer to herself—is given to bouts of extreme, erratic behavior (explaining the head shaving incident) and insatiable sugar cravings, and might soon horrify fellow rehab patients when she proudly demonstrates her ability to scamper along walls and vomit digestive enzymes on the nearest Entenmann's Cherry Cheese Danish.