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With Britney Spears is rumored to be occupying an "entire wing" of Promises Malibu (writes one incredulous reader: "There are no 'wings' at promises. It is a 3500 sq. ft. house with 3 bedrooms for 6 people with a pool house that they throw 4 people in, and a bedroom that hosts 5-10 staff members crammed in a corner,") scattered reports had Britney on an authorized furlough from the grounds for a 90-minute shopping excursion, and returning with her nose buried in a turquoise paperback. TMZ now has the EXCLUSIVE! details on Spears' recent $3000 online spending spree (feel free to immerse yourself in the complete, brand-whoring experience here). But could all this conspicuous consumption simply be a smokescreen for the dark events that are really going down behind Promises' walls? Citing pillar of British journalistic credibility News of the World, The Sydney Daily Telegraph reports about the alleged head-spinning and projectile pea soup coming from behind Britney's door:

The ordeal began when she terrified staff by writing the number of the beast on her head and running around the clinic screaming, "I am the anti-christ!"

"The clinic people just didn't know what to do," a friend claimed.

The pop star then tried to hang herself with a bedsheet was but was found before she could hurt herself.

The patient was eventually restrained by orderlies, and nurses were able to wash the number of the beast off of her forehead. (Not 666, as some have reported, but actually Paris Hilton's Sidekick digits.) Britney has since been put on round-the-clock suicide watch by an overtaxed Promises staff, who are nearing their wits ends and close to bringing in their staff exorcist, whose controversial methods—involving splashing holy Red Bull on the restrained patient while chanting, "The power of K-Fed compels you!"—while highly unorthodox, have proven to elicit desirable effects in certain, extreme cases.