The Queen Is Quiet Quitting

She couldn't be arsed to go to London to fire Boris Johnson — he'll have to come to her.

Britain's Queen Elizabeth II welcomes newly elected leader of the Conservative party, Boris Johnson ...
bring your wellies

Outgoing British Prime Minister Boris Johnson and whoever the Queen’s subjects pick to be his successor for two years before they change their mind are going to have to travel to her raucous holiday good-time palace in Balmoral next week. Sorry if Scotland’s out of the way, you old salts – and no, you don’t get to go grouse-shooting with Princess Anne, even though it’s the most exciting thing happening for miles around that godforsaken frozen bog. This is strictly business.

According to the Associated Press, next week will mark the first time in the Queen’s 70-year reign that she will not hold audiences with the incoming and outgoing prime ministers at her shag pad in London.

Officials told the AP that “Johnson will travel to Balmoral Castle, the queen’s summer holiday home in the Scottish Highlands, to formally tender his resignation on Tuesday. His replacement — either Foreign Secretary Liz Truss or former Treasury chief Rishi Sunak, the two finalists in the Conservative Party leadership race — will also make the trip on the same day and be asked by the queen to form a new government.”

While the Palace hasn’t given official reason as to why she’ll remain at Balmoral, the AP suggests mobility issues. Doi!

And it’s like — I’m sorry — but was nobody listening when the Palace told us last month that under no circumstances is the Queen to be moved? Has all the time you’ve spent watching Lilibet Senior slay on TikTok corroded your pea brain so much that you can’t remember basic facts? The Queen’s not moving, mostly because it's a physical impossibility but also because she will do whatever she damn well pleases, and she suggests you sit your ass down too.

Or did you remember, and you’re unwilling to accept it? We — the British press down at Fleet Street, which I am a part of — are going to have to come to grips with the fact that Lilibet might never be moving again. It’s sad to think about the implications running through our minds: Is Charles too immature to be the sovereign? Is Boris Johnson going to shock her to death with some 11th hour stunt? Will the Queen live long enough to hear the Ziwe episode of Archetypes with Meghan? Can God really save the Queen?

All those unanswerable questions hang in the balance at Balmoral, like so many clay skeet pigeons freshly discharged from the Queen’s clay skeet pigeon shooting machine. A warning to those running their mouths: She might be immobile, but she’s still an excellent shot.