The Prince Must Have His Teddies

Quickly, maid! Arrange them according to the laminated diagram!

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bedtime rituals

There are many reasons to “poke fun” at alleged pedophile rapist Prince Andrew, a deplorable royal and friend of Jeffrey Epstein who is at present in need of both a new monogram and a new chalet. Of course we’re all having a good laugh regularly at this disgusting individual’s expense, as we should be.

But there comes a time in civil discourse where one has to put her foot down; a time when one has to say: This does not seem like strange behavior to me, and I’m not sure why we’re all “laughing” at it. A time when one has to publicly ask: Are we not all having screaming and crying meltdowns when our beloved teddy bears are not positioned exactly correctly on our big boy beds at the hour of beddy-bye?

“Prince Andrew, as an adult, had a collection of dozens of fluffy toys which had to be precisely positioned on his bed or he would scream abuse at his household staff,” says the Daily Beast. Um … and? To demonize this very ordinary behaviour is to harm the many very normal individuals (as if “normal” is even something to strive for as one member of the rich tapestry that is humanity; as if it is even something that exists!) that practice the same sort of thing, pretty much exactly, every night at beddy. Who among us does not, as an adult, have a collection of dozens of fluffy toys which have to be precisely positioned on their bed or else they scream abuse at their household staff?

The allegation comes from royal aide Paul Page in an interview for the documentary Ghislaine, Prince Andrew and the Paedophile, which airs on the U.K,’s ITV on Tuesday night. In the interview, Page says Prince Andrew also kept a laminated diagram in a drawer in his bedroom at Buckingham Palace that showed, according to the Daily Beast, “exactly how his beloved soft toy collection should be arranged.” Okay. I have to imagine what we’re supposed to believe is “abnormal” here is where the laminated diagram was kept? Yes, some might keep their diagram in their office along with all of their other important documents. But is a bedroom drawer perhaps not a more easily accessible spot?

Page says Prince Andrew’s bed also sported cushions that featured words such as “Daddy,” “Ducks,” and “Prince,” and the laminated instructions stated, “When the DOY [Duke of York] is staying overnight, place one small teddy and cushion in the turn down. When making the bed, place the teddy and cushion next to the teddy on the left-hand side with the necklaces on.” I ask you, and urge you to answer with honesty — do you not prefer your “Ducks” cushion placed next to your teddy that has the necklaces on?

Be reasonable.

Page continued:

“[The laminated diagram] had about 50 or 60 stuffed toys positioned on the bed and basically there was a card the inspector showed us in a drawer and it was a picture of these bears all in situ. The reason for the laminated picture was if those bears weren’t put back in the right order by the maids, he would shout and scream.”

Again, I understand the urge to mock Prince Andrew. But (like Christ) I say, let those who do not shout and scream if their 50 or 60 stuffed animals are not positioned by their household staff exactly as their laminated card instructs that they should be, cast the first stone (or “Daddy” cushion, as the case may be).