Wicked Pissah! William and Kate’s Plan to Save the Earth Begins in Boston

The Waleses visit America for the first time in 8 years

LONDON, ENGLAND - NOVEMBER 22: Prince William, Prince of Wales and Catherine, Princess of Wales duri...
Mark Cuthbert/UK Press/Getty Images

Well, well, well, those silver spoon-wielding Chowderheads Prince William and Kate Middleton are finally touching down in Boston on Wednesday to present the second annual Earthshot Prize, which is the future king’s Kennedy-inspired initiative to finally put a man on planet Earth before the Russians are able to.

Or something like that. They’re giving $1 million a pop to a handful of climate scientists. The promotional literature says something about “our greatest challenge: to regenerate the place we all call home in the next ten years.” We? I guess the rest of us are all moving into the grace-and-favor fuckpad shed at Gran’s estate along with the Middletons in a sort of global polycule arrangement. Hope Will and Kate don’t mind that I have a dog who sheds a lot and plan to microwave leftover fish at least three times a day when I move in.

Anyway! According to People, the award ceremony on Friday is going to be their “Super Bowl moment,” probably because a bunch of big butts with brain damage will be wearing slim-fit winter-white trousers and hideous, dubiously obtained baubles in front of a rapt audience, including NFL superfan and earth mama Shailene Woodley. Plus! According to NBC Boston, Billie Eilish is performing.

The royal couple, which hasn’t been stateside since 2014, will be on the same continent as estranged audiophiles Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, but will likely not be having a Dunkin summit to hash out their differences over the world’s smallest potatoes after all. The Waleseseses will be too busy touring various Boston charities and incubators determined to make the world a little more green.

Plus, Kate’s going to the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard “to learn some of the best practices that can be taken back to her own Royal Foundation and The Centre for Early Childhood as she builds her pioneering work in the area,” according to People. Do you think Harvard’s pissed she ripped off their name and made it sound a little more British?

Come Friday, the doomsday clock will be reset thanks to these two. Thank you! Live it up responsibly till then, Kate and Will. Maybe at the aquarium. Just don’t accept any tea party invites this time! Ha! Ha! Ha!