Okay, I'll Explain Why "Prince of Pegging" Is Trending

I am a good Christian woman who worships a just and prudish British God named Elizabeth II, the Supreme Governor of the Church of England. I don’t care much for blue humor and I believe that engaging in hashtaggery on Twitter is for sinners and Unitarians who have too much idle time.

That said, the trending topic #princeofpegging did catch my eye today. I don’t go looking for this sort of verboten material — shame on you — but the devils’ work always seems to reach my dossier, and I do have the context to elucidate what exactly is going on in this blind item posted by the Instagram account DeuxMoi.

Let’s deconstruct.. “The royal” in question could very well be Prince Wiliam and “the old fashioned” wife who doesn’t mind her husband “getting his sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere” could very well be Kate Middleton. Could the blind be referring to Prince Felipe IV of Spain and his wife Princess Letizia? Or Prince Harry and the Princess of Montecito Meghan Markle? Sure, but for the purposes of this hypothetical exercise let’s say it’s Will and Kate. Pegging, in this context of a cis man with a penis and a cis woman with a vagina, is a sex act wherein the woman, wearing a strap-on dildo, penetrates her partner anally.

Now, unlike Felipe and Letizia and the Fabulous Markle Twins, tabloid rumors of an alleged affair between Prince William and a woman named Rose Hanbury have dogged (pegged?) the royal couple for at least two years, and some publications like the Daily Mail have even gone so far to say that it’s the reason Prince Harry is now estranged from his brother. Harry and William’s father Prince Charles famously cheated on their mother Princess Diana, and according to the Mail, Harry blames his father’s affair with his now-wife and queen consort Camilla Parker Bowles for setting off the chain of events that lead to Diana’s death. (Harry and Camilla’s relationship is reportedly quite icy.)

But back to the women. Hanbury is Kate’s former close friend, looks a lot like her, is a member of a generations-old landed gentry family in Britain, and married the 7th Marquess of Cholmondeley, David, in 2009. “Cholmondeley” is pronounced “Chumley” in the same way “Worcestershire sauce” is pronounced “Woostershire sauce,” which is not all that important to what’s happening here, but still interesting enough to note.

Interest in the alleged affair has re-emerged in the last few weeks because Pippa Middleton, Kate’s younger sister, named her daughter Rose. Kateheads were outraged by this: what a betrayal that now that every time Kate looks at her beautiful niece, she’ll think of the Rose Hanbury rumors! But Kate has met baby Rose and, according to Us Weekly, is “overjoyed for her sister.”

So the blind item is essentially saying this: Kate is allegedly fine with Prince William allegedly getting pegged by women outside of their marriage, as long as he doesn’t get too close emotionally like he once did with Rose Hanbury, a woman who looks just like her. Whatever works, chaps.

Got it? It’s funny to think of a member of that buttoned up family having sex, even though sex scandals far more insidious than this have plagued them for ages. Remember when Prince Andrew jerked it for two days straight in 1993, among so much else?

Now, memes about William’s asshole abound, of which I of course disprove.

They didn’t have to bring my Queen into this, but here we are. God bless all of you. You’re going to need it.