Who Cares: Let the Queen Do Heroin If She Wants

The lady is 95 years old.

CARDIFF, WALES - OCTOBER 14: Queen Elizabeth II attends the opening ceremony of the sixth session of...
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The Queen (95) seems to be doing not great. She’s begun walking with a cane, and various young people on TikTok are predicting that her death is imminent. Not that I’m sad, or sad for her; I assume the worst of her character, and beyond that, 95 is just too many years for anyone to have to live. However, I do think that after so many years of life she is owed at least one dignity. And that dignity is being able to get fucked up however she wants.

"The Queen has been told to give up her evening drink which is usually a martini," a family friend told Vanity Fair. "It's not really a big deal for her, she is not a big drinker, but it seems a trifle unfair that at this stage in her life she's having to give up one of very few pleasures."

It is, indeed, a trifle unfair. Although I doubt this is one of very few pleasures (she’s rich), and I am confused to find her evening drink is not a Dubonnet and gin which I had been under the impression was her “favorite cocktail.” Why did I have to file this piece of information away in my mind, if it is not even accurate? Why was I carrying around the fact of “the Queen’s favorite drink”? Why is the media always spreading lies? Questions for another day.

For today, let the Queen have a martini. Or heroin. Or her Royal Vape, or whatever she wants. And then let her die, for the love of god. My grandma liked a Manhattan; maybe she’d like one of those.