The Montecito Diaries: Markle Manor Almost Breached at Least Twice

Santa Barbara police have been called six times in 14 months

THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS - APRIL 17: Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex and Meghan, Duchess of Sussex attend...
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build a moat

Fabled good guys with guns, please go pick up your arms now, because Harry and Meghan’s little mountain town is not exempt from the crime wave sweeping the nation’s wealthiest zip codes. Montecito Palace was the site of two attempted break-ins in May 2022 and, according to the Sun, six security calls in the last 14 months. The Fabulous Markle Twins and their two children were likely home when the security alarms were triggered.

The alleged assailants picked two notable days to try and get into Meghan’s well-appointed podcasting stu. The first was their wedding anniversary on May 19 and another on May 31, right before the awesome foursome left for England for the Queen’s Platinum Jubbly.

Consulting the Royals vertical of Gawker, as the hardboiled detectives assigned to the case likely do every day, it appears on May 19, the Markles were rumored to receive their own reality show and the most infirm of the royal cousins (plus Benedict Cumberbatch) were trotted out for a C-list garden party at Buckingham Palace. On May 31, the Queen, who had recently been honored with a rare Jubbly mayonnaise, was being passed around like a tray of appetizers herself, Tom Hanks lied about the Queen’s favorite cocktail, and Kim and Pete touched down for their own London invasion. So all of those people have an alibi — plus it’s just fun to reminisce.

I hope the family is alright and modifies their security system and were not using Teddi Mellencamp’s husband’s camera network, a la fellow victim Dorit Kemsley. I’m sure this is rocking Rob Lowe and Oprah to their cores, and maybe even the Sussexes, too. A blind item on Crazy Days and Nights alleges the duo has signed a lease in Bel-Air because Meghan “has been getting tired of the commute.”