Bin the Book, Save the Empire

Prince Harry needs to burn his memoir manuscript if he ever wants to hang out at Balmoral ever again

LONDON, ENGLAND - SEPTEMBER 19: Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex during the State Funeral of Queen Eliza...
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banned books week 2022

Tina Brown, author of The Diana Chronicles and The Palace Papers, has offered a two-state solution for the melodramatic royal family on Lorraine. For all you simple, boorish American readers: Lorraine is a “breakfast television programme” hosted by presenter Lorraine Kelly. The show seems like a gayer version of the fourth hour of Today with Hoda and Jenna, but instead of the woman who blew up the Queen’s entire timeline of death recommending books about sexy marsh girls in peril, the close personal friend of Princess Di disavowed the distribution of a similarly sexy volume — Prince Harry’s upcoming memoir.

“Written” by Harry himself and misguidedly scheduled to compete with the release of Michelle Obama’s surefire smash Becoming 2, the tome promises to reveal all about the light in Meghan Markle’s eyes, the power of Nacho Figuera’s thighs, and the juicy deets regarding King Charles’s lies.

But Brown told Lorraine that Harry has a decision to make: He either publishes the book and loses his family, or he abandons it and all of Great Britain’s problems are solved.

According to Newsweek:

On Kelly's suggestion that the elimination of the contentious memoir would turn a "fresh page" for the royal's relationship with his family, Brown added: "If Harry doesn't want to bin the book (emphasis ours), then I don't see a way forward."

If the book goes away:

  • Ethno-nationalist conflict in Northern Ireland? Vamoose.
  • The next season of The Crown? A really hot actor will be hired to play teenaged Harry, and they won’t even talk about that time he wore a Nazi uniform to a fancy dress party.
  • The Queen’s death? Well, mama, she’s come back from the grave before.

This could be a huge relief for Harry. He might not mind binning the book, to borrow Brown’s phrase, because it is a volume that does not currently – and might never – exist. He swears he just needs a few more months, but even hard-working Meghan is tired of riding his ass about the merits of the Pomodoro Method. Building a bridge instead of writing a book could be mighty convenient.