Theory: The Queen Is Being Kept Animate to Outlive a 69-Year Rule

70 is much more dignified

KING'S LYNN, ENGLAND - FEBRUARY 05: Queen Elizabeth celebrates the start of the Platinum Jubilee dur...
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It was announced this weekend that the queen got Covid during her Platinum Jubbly, probably from her deadbeat son Charles who — as all evidence suggests via watching The Crown – is a total mouth breather. I was in the changing room of a fitness class when I got the push alert, and I overheard a fellow yogini share a theory: the Queen’s actually been dead for months, but they’ve replaced her with a deep fake because if she had died before February 6, the 70th anniversary of her coronation and the beginning of her Jubbly, her rule would have lasted 69 years — an undignified amount of time to have ladied over the British Empire.

“69ing” is, of course, kissing with tongue, I think.

I’ve long suspected the Queen is dead, but more recently I evolved my point-of-view and decided she’d been pumped with reanimating human growth hormone and is alive, barely, but with rigor mortis, but I’d never heard this latest theory before.

Sixty-nine years IS an undignified amount of time to do anything. Imagine all the young chavs, barryboys, and saddos chanting “69” at the state funeral. That wouldn’t be right. So The Firm had to cook up something craic: Lilibet Senior made it to 70 years on the throne exactly two weeks before her Covid announcement. Now, they’re tapering her away. She doesn’t technically need to make it to the Jubbly weekend fest in June, which includes events such as a nationwide pudding competition, because she already hit that dignified number, but it would be nice.

Jubbly puddly

Go off, Queen! Into the great unknown. Your hubby will be there, and you can bring him his stick. Maybe you’ll even find out what exactly happened to Lady Diana Spencer.