The Queen's Death Is Ruining Meghan Markle's Press Tour

A canceled "Variety" cover is one thing, but a delayed episode of Archetypes....?

LONDON, ENGLAND - SEPTEMBER 14:   Meghan, Duchess of Sussex looks on as the coffin of Queen Elizabet...
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she's pressed

Poor Meghan Markle. First her mummy in law the Queen Lilibet dies before she can get a moneyshot of her and Princess-not-HRH Lilibet Jr., which would have been worth at least ten quid to Netflix, and then the resulting death march through London supremely fucks with her long-anticipated return to doing press.

In lieu of unleashing any number of audio clips and profiles of her uttering her star-making catchphrase “Oh gosh,” she had to resort to smutty stunts. Thank god she and her husband have so much erotic electricity in their clammy palms, or else she wouldn’t be getting very much attention at all. The former loser better caress those sumptuous fingies of Harry’s while they’re still hot – have you seen King Daddy’s hands?!

His Majesty Ol’ Unmilked Udder Hands has mandated that the official mourning period for the Queen be observed from the day of her death, Sept. 8, until seven days after the funeral. The funeral will be held on Sept. 19 — basically an entire Elizabethan era in podcasting terms, which is very bad news for Miss Megkle and the fat cats at Spotify.

Today’s episode of Archetypes, which was supposed to feature Margaret Cho dissecting the toxic and limiting label of “absolute loler!!” has been put on pause. The show’s Spotify landing page now states, “New episodes of Archetypes will be paused during the official mourning period for Her Majesty The Queen.”

And if you thought THAT was bad, Murgle Mackle also had to back out of a Variety cover for their Power of Women issue. The magazine announced yesterday that Meghan's cover was being held “out of respect for the recent passing of Queen Elizabeth II” Meghan will also be missing out on the Power of Women event in L.A. on Sept. 28, which is technically after the official mourning period, which puts her out of a free dinner. And you know how she and Harry have had to pinch pennies after being cut from the teat of the British taxpayer.

I hate to pit women against each other, but this Variety cancellation is very bad news indeed for Meg’s starpower, as she was to be feted alongside other femblimist icons Hillary Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Ava Duvernay, Malala, and Elizabeth Olsen.

I swear to god, if another member of Murble’sr godforsaken inherited family dies — even if it’s Princess Michael of Kent, whom Diana used to refer to as “The Fuhrer,” — and continues to foul this thing up for Meghan, they’ll have me and Jenna Bush Hager to answer to.