The Queen Is Alive and Partying With Minors

An intimate crew of toddlers and ancients gathered at Frogmore House

LONDON, ENGLAND - JUNE 09:  Princess Anne, Princess Royal, Princess Beatrice, Lady Louise Windsor, P...
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tea party

The Queen spent Sunday afternoon with her non-Lilibet great-grandchildren at Frogmore House on her Windsor estate just one week after announcing her positive COVID-19 diagnosis. According to the Daily Beast, royals-turned-activist podcasters Harry and Meghan, who “famously converted a dilapidated cottage into a luxury home” on the Frogmore estate, “now rent the home to Princess Eugenie and her family.” Eugenie was out of town for the weekend — perhaps awarding her stroppy little pervy papa Andrew war medals made of aluminium foil in a mock-ceremony 300 feet from his old Swiss ski chalet — but her sister Beatrice was there, as were Will and Kate.

Seems sort of rude of the Montecito Mountbatten-Windsors to charge a cousin rent on a gift from the literal Queen of England, but Harry and Meghan are funemployed, and that passive income’s got to keep the Archewell kiddos clothed in their California-cool miniature royal cloaks (linen) and princely diadems (jadeite and rose quartz).

But I digress — the point is the Queen is conferencing with the younger generation just days after revealing to the world that’s she’s a little hoarse, proving a commitment to the future of perfidious Albion and the next generation of great pasty pheasant eaters that will carry on her legacy. What did she talk about at this summit with the monarchy’s future leaders? Were they discussing strategy for supporting Ukraine without actually sending aid or arms? Was it an intimate corgi cologne launch à la Karen “La Dame” Huger’s perfume launch on Real Housewives of Potomac? Was she showing them how to oil great-grandpa’s walking stick?

We expect official word from Buckingham on these toddler negotiations any minute now.