The Queen Is Alive But Don't Expect Proof

The Palace tells us to assume she's gonna flake

Britain's Queen Elizabeth II attends a Service of Thanksgiving for her late husband, Britain's Princ...

The Queen’s people are between the Rock of Gibraltar and a hard place with this biddy who keeps canceling plans. A Buckingham Palace source told the Daily Mail that “the public must start assuming the Queen will not attend public events” following months of mobility issues and dashed expectations for meet and greets with paupers from a respectable distance.

This announcement comes at the heels of the infamous royal bulletin last fall that the “Queen has entered a new phase” and “we may not see her until February.” February has come and gone, however, and the adoring public has seen less and less of the girl with a dream for a better world and a stick.

We can only reach one of two conclusions: either the Queen is dead (rest in stick) or she’s got massive social anxiety. Both are life-enders and game-changers, plus Lilibet Sr. probably doesn’t even have a TikTok account wherein children can assure her that introversion is a neurodivergent gift and we must normalize it NOW. And don’t even get me started on death, which is the ultimate stigma. I suppose that’s what Easter is all about — but she skipped that too.

See you never, ma’am.