The Queen Is Alive and Will Respond to "Girl"

In a bombshell interview with famed British photographer David Bailey on Monday, the Telegraph revealed that somebody other than me has called the Queen of England “girl.” When Lilibet Sr. sat for a portrait in 2014, Bailey asked the queen if “the jewels” were real, presumably referring to her royal breasts. Bailey said, “‘I bet that cost a few bobs, girl.’” “Bobs,” as I have come to understand it, is a British slang word for shillings, 20 of which made a pound.

When interviewer Lucy Davies asked Bailey if he really called Her Maj “girl,” he stood by it. “It just came out. I call everyone ‘girl’. But she was girlish. Made a real effort. We had a laugh. Beautiful skin, the Queen.” I don’t doubt it – how else could she have charmed her subjects for 70 long years, influencing the likes of Sir Winston Churchill and the Platinum Jubbly Pudding Competition judges?

Bailey also spoke of a shoot he conducted with a 27-year-old Princess Di wherein his assistant “accidentally” dropped a light on her head. Di was spared only by the grace of the halo effect of her “terrible hair,” which Bailey confirmed was “solid as a plastic dummy” due to a thick coating of hairspray. He also claims he taught her the word “magnanimous” that day, which seems rude to reveal, especially considering the princess’s insecurities about being a dropout.

The Telegraph reveals that Bailey, who is 84, suffers from vascular dementia and memory loss from a stroke he had four years ago. But if those hardened journalists aren’t doubting the veracity of the ancient shutterbug’s stories, then who am I to? After all, one likely never forgets asking about the price of the queen’s sparkling boulders.