The Queen Is Alive and Hiding in a Tunnel

Don’t let anyone see

LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM - FEBRUARY 19: Queen Elizabeth II departs after officially opening of the new...
Anadolu Agency/Anadolu Agency/Getty Images
Tunnel Vision

What is a Queen to do when her late husband’s favored stick lacks the stability required to move her 100 yards to the memorial service commemorating a year without him? I don’t know — do I look like a military tactician or a master illusionist? I’m merely five to six corgis stacked on top of one another in a Barbour coat, pounding away on a typewriter encrusted in test puddings, hoping to make a few bobs and shillings for my work.

Luckily, the always-crackerjack reporting team over at the Sun claims to have inside knowledge of how The Firm will conceal Lilibet Sr.’s immobility from a mourning nation at the Duke of Edinburgh’s service at Westminster Abbey. It’ll be a feat of aeronautics, engineering, and just a little bit of that signature Windsor whimsy. Now you see her; actually, no you don’t.

She will take a helicopter from her home at Windsor Castle to Buckingham Palace, then be driven to a side door at the Abbey. “Six-foot privacy screens or even a football-style tunnel could be erected to prevent photographers from capturing her as she leaves the car,” the Sun reported. Presumably, she will be pushed in a wheelchair down the enclosure and then emerge victorious, upright, and able. Tidy George will smooth out her skirt.

As Will and Kate are being booed out of the Caribbean ass-first, the family could use a win. And this is a plan so crazy it just might work. It has to.