The Queen Has a Giant Ball

And you’ll never guess what it’s made of.

GLASGOW, SCOTLAND - NOVEMBER 01: (NOT FOR USE AFTER 30 April, 2022, without clearance from Buckingha...
Queen Elizabeth: Handout/Getty Images News/Getty Images; Ball: Kelly Conaboy
the queen's mystery ball

Do you know the Queen “regularly wanders around her homes switching off lights to conserve energy”? It’s true. And did you know her most important possessions are “her dispatch box keys, which unlock confidential information between her and her government ministers, and her family”? It’s true. And did you know she “would’ve been happy to have been a farmer’s wife”? Yes, like you I did not previously know these things. I only recently learned them from Us Weekly’s article, “Queen Elizabeth II: 25 Things You Don’t Know About Her (‘She Would’ve Been Happy to Have Been a Farmer’s Wife’).”

The most astonishing revelation, however, is not that she “always wears neutral nail polish,” although that is also mentioned. It is that she seemingly has at least one thing in common with Pee-Wee Herman. And I’ll give you a hint:

It’s not the thing you’re thinking of.

(As far as we know.)

So what is it, then? You might be thinking that you’ve already seen the headline, and that it’s a giant ball. Okay, big shot — I’ll play your game. What’s the ball made out of, then, huh? Bet you don’t know that, do you? You have no goddamn clue what the Queen’s giant ball is made of.

At this point you might be thinking that I also mentioned she has something in common with Pee-Wee Herman, and maybe you’re remembering that he had a giant tin foil ball. “I’ll get her with this one,” you’re thinking. “I know Pee-Wee had a tin foil ball. I know guests at the Playhouse would bring him pieces of tin foil as a gift, and that he’d then add them to the ball.” Well, well, well. I’m sorry but I have no choice but to hit you with a very loud:


God, you did not wake up a winner today, did you? No, the Queen does not have a tin foil ball. You seem to be forgetting that after season one of Pee-Wee’s Playhouse, Pee-Wee had to retire his tin foil ball because it got too big to fit in the house. At that point he donated it to the foil museum. And in season two he replaced it with — oh, what’s that? Let’s throw it back to Us Weekly:

“The queen is so frugal, she saves rubber bands — and has a giant rubber band ball to show for it!”

A giant rubber band ball.

Yes indeed. As far as Us Weekly is concerned, the Queen is “so frugal” that she “saves rubber bands” and “has a giant rubber band ball.” Uh-huh. That definitely sounds like something that reflects reality, and of course we love to hear about it.

And as far as you’re concerned, well — I hope you use this as a learning experience. Remember that you have no idea about the Queen. And you have no idea about this website. We will always surprise you (“we” meaning both this website and the Queen). Your limited knowledge of Pee-Wee’s Playhouse will never be enough. We will always be one step ahead.

Also, the Queen is “crazy about jokes and loves to laugh!”