The Queen Had a Secret Rendezvous With Her Horses

Then tried to buy the rest off from the comfort of her Range Rover

WINDSOR, ENGLAND - MAY 13: Queen Elizabeth II watches the horses from her Range Rover at The Royal W...
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hot to trot

The Queen called off her appearance at the kick-off of the Royal Windsor Horse Show on Thursday, instead opting to have a secret rendezvous with her horses who were set to compete. According to Radar Online, she sent Princess Beatrice instead, which is an upgrade from sending Prince Charles, but a disappointment if people were hoping for someone with real cache, like Prince George. Buckingham Palace claims that the Queen’s absence wasn’t a mobility issue, she just “changed her mind” about showing up, which is almost worse.

Every horse in the Kingdom was understandably pissed. Not showing up to the House of Lords is one thing, but snubbing the Lord of Horses? That’s a “London Bridge” too far. “Neigh!” the steeds cried, imitating Scotsmen saying “no.”

And yet, as Friday dawned, the Queen steeled her stick and rolled up to the Royal Windsor Horse Show in her rockin’ cool Range Rover (murdered out with a Hello Kitty wheel cover, stick figure family decal on the back window dating back to Henry VII, custom vanity plate bearing the phrase “CIVIL LIST”). According to People, she watched three of her fell ponies compete from the comfort of the front seat. She probably idled the engine, just to make pseudo-environmentalist Prince Charles angry. Her horse Balmoral Leia won.

"She was in great spirits," a boot on the ground told People. "People she knows in the horse world were being brought to her to talk to her at the window. You can see she is in really good form."

Chris Jackson/Chris Jackson Collection/Getty Images

Later, she sticked it on over to the grandstand to watch some mini horses slowly drag her granddaughter Lady Louise in a buggy from the days of Queen Boudica (60 A.D.). It’s unclear to me, from the perspective of an American person, if this was also an event or just a really boring parade.

All is forgiven on my end, Queen. The horses’ collective anger is a bit harder to reign in, though. Watch your back.