The Queen Cannot Be Moved

Her body is as rigid as her demanding schedule

Max Mumby/Indigo/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
stiff upper limb

As we know and respect, the Charitable Markle Twins are crossing the Atlantic to follow up with various colleagues on charitable works and so on and such forth. The redheaded NAACP ambassador to white British nobility and Gloria Steinem’s close confidante will be in the U.K. in September, presumably to serve justice and soup to sick children with literacy issues, probably while wearing shorts. But the Queen’s not going to see them. A Palace source told the Daily Beast that “some things cannot be moved.”

According to the Beast, “While there was no intention to steer expectations one way or the other around Harry and Meghan getting or not getting an audience with the queen, it is a simple fact that the week commencing September 5 is jam-packed with constitutional duties for the queen.”

Marklephiles are outraged. Just because Harry is torching his relationship with his family via a memoir that will flop against Michelle Obama’s simultaneous release, his grandmother is refusing to see him? That’s cold as a traditional trifle pudding.

But no, no, they misunderstand. The “thing” that cannot be moved is not the litany of royal engagements and schedules (pronounced with a hard SH), but presumably the stoic old Queen herself. She escaped London for a summer at Balmoral, and the Queen of Lean, the stickiest of stick girls, the Queen consort-is of rigor mortis cannot be moved so easily. Literally. She’s been suffering from mobility issues for as long as we can remember (May 2022), even skipping the annual Palace at Holyroodhouse garden bash.

She ain’t movin’ from that country seat to see those two colluders, save for a miracle of teapot proportions — or if Meghan asks her to open up another new tunnel, the two frenemies’ well-documented favorite shared pastime.