The Princess of Montecito Diaries: A Day in the Life of Meghan Markle

It's tricky juggling political ambitions and lunch at Sugarfish

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IDK How She Does It

Closer, the U.K. tabloid best known for disavowing its French cousin for publishing topless photos of Kate Middleton a decade ago, something that the Brits would NEVER do, has scored a major scoop on Meghan Markle, whom townsfolk in Santa Barbara are allegedly calling “The Princess of Montecito.” (Term of endearment or insult? You decide.)

The scoop? Some hot deets on a typical day in the life of Meghan, provided to Closer by Meghan in two trilbies, a trenchcoat, and fake mustache. Suffice it to be said we were shocked by some of the saucy details in the recreation we've cobbled together for your reading pleasure:"

6 a.m.

Kiss for Harry, pull on a pair of Lululemon Hotty Hot shorts over nude pantyhose, and hit the trails for a hike with her doggies Pula and Guy. Me time with the pups is so important for a woman with presidential ambitions, about which Closer says there’s apparently been “all this talk.”

8 a.m.

Drop Archie off to “nursery” with a “nutritious home-made packed lunch” and head back to her home office, fit for a princess with “a stone fireplace, neutral decor and stacks of books and crystals.”

8:15 a.m.

Cast a sigil with the crystals. Hold amulet close to third-eye chakra and wait for something sinister to happen via magickal pinkie rings.

8:30 a.m.

Three-way Facetime call with Samuel Alito and Brett Kavanaugh. According to Closer, “Sources have previously revealed how the actress-turned-humanitarian has been planning for a career move into politics — which seemed even more likely when Meghan revealed last month that she would be heading to Washington after speaking out against the Roe v. Wade ruling.”

When the justices don’t pick up, Meghan calls Harry from the other room. Pod time? Per Closer, “Meghan is also thought to be working on her podcast, Archetypes.”

8:31 a.m.

Harry doesn’t pick up because “he’s up at the crack of dawn getting the kids fed, washed and dressed. Meghan’s often very busy on business Zoom calls, or nipping into LA for meetings, which Harry often chauffeurs her to. Then he’s back to the kids as soon as possible because he doesn’t like leaving them with nannies.”

No pod today. Oh well! Meghan’s got bodily autonomy stuff to do, anyway. Also, Harry’s sort of tied up with app-based life coaching.

9 a.m.

Coffee klatsch with Montecito neighbors Oprah Winfrey, Ellen Degeneres, Serena Williams, James Corden, Orlando Bloom, and Katy Perry.

Closer says of the P of M, “She spends a fair amount of time at Oprah’s palatial house, where they’ll kick back with her closest friend, Gayle King, and talk about everything from Meghan’s future plans to what’s going on back in the UK and how Harry’s coping with everything.”

11 a.m.–1:30 p.m.

In the car. LA traffic, right?

2 p.m.

Lunch in Beverly Hills or West Hollywood. The Closer source reports, “She’ll generally call ahead and request a table that is completely secluded.” Meghan likes “Mexican places in the area she grew up in,” as well as higher-end joints such as Cecconi’s, Sunset Tower, Sugarfish, or Lucky’s steakhouse in Montecito.

In the case that she’s not “completely secluded” and eating an omakase for one, she’ll go to Nobu. “The bills can often reach up to $5,000, but Meghan and her friends are happy to pay.”

2–5 p.m.


5:30 p.m.

Early working dinner with Archie and Lilibet. The kids are interested in an idea Liz Warren had about abortion tents outside National Parks. They look into the feasibility on Google Maps.

8 p.m.

Back to Oprah’s for a non-necromantic Deepak Chopra-tinged spiritual gathering. Despite Meghan’s former vocation (acting), says the source, “she doesn’t go to the movies much but they’ve been known to watch private screenings at Oprah’s place, and other power players in LA have hosted them for dinner parties and spiritual gatherings.”

Then it’s movie night! They watch Hillbilly Elegy.

11 p.m.

Night yoga.

11:30 p.m.

Yawn! Good night! A lot is on the docket tomorrow. She’s gonna try FaceTiming the omnipotent political mover and shaker Fabuleu de Maucur, the Queen’s horse. He’s got the ear of Lilibet Sr. and is a mouthpiece for the monarchy.