The Montecito Diaries: Meghan and Harry are in Grave Danger

A symbolically loaded mountain lion is stalking the fabulous duo, and no one's vanity chicken coops are safe

Left: Photo by PHILL MAGAKOE/AFP via Getty Images Right: Photo by Samir Hussein/WireImage
"roar" -katy perry

The Montecito Markles are being hunted by a predator far more cunning than Harry’s Uncle Andrew and a lot more dangerous than the negligent turncoats he’s currently suing over at Scotland Yard. And on their own turf no less. According to Newsweek, a “large wild mountain lion” is stalking Montecito, spotted on a home security camera less than five miles away from their beige, beige manor.

A preservationist in Montecito told the Sun that the mountain lion is likely hungry and thirsty due to drought conditions in California (and the near-total decimation of the climate, something Harry’s meddling brother Will knows a thing or two about). The part of Montecito in which the big cat was spotted is rural and mountainous. She also heeded a dire warning for a key component of the Markles’ trad aesthetic: Archie and Lilibet Jr.’s beloved chickens.

"We want all locals to secure their homes and secure their chicken coops and whatever other animals they may have," executive director of the Montecito Association Sharon Byrne said. "Chickens can be a fast, easy source of food for hunting animals so they have to be safe and secure. We also urge residents to secure their garbage.”

Can any amount of sigil casting get the fabulous duo out of this one safely? And will Gloria Steinem, frequent live-in Montecito guest and feminist mentee of Meghan’s, be okay? And what does this catamount want from the denizens of Montecito? A role in a Tyler Perry film? (Madea’s Big Catty Family would be boffo box office gold!)

I’m worried for my favorite duo, but those of us (all of us) familiar with the Lifetime film Harry & Meghan: A Royal Romance know that they’ve dealt with big-time animal husbandry before (plus Harry went to a rodeo once, where he famously wore a hat). In the film, a beautiful and non-metaphorical lion often comes to Harry when he needs guidance and strength amid his courtship with Meghan. That lion? It’s his late, great mother, Lady Diana Spencer. It’s powerful stuff.

I say Harry and Meghan welcome the predator and see if they can learn a thing or two from its outsider perspective, as long as it doesn’t interrupt their life’s work, attending polo matches and not recording podcasts. And has anyone checked on Nacho Figueras?