Sickly Queen Forced to Leer in Private

It's better for her health

Max Mumby/Indigo/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
balmoral quandary

The Queen’s constantly evolving health means a public yearly event at Balmoral meant to welcome Her Maj to her July-October “summer break” in Scotland will take place away from fans, cameras, and Markle-sympathetic bloggers, according to The Daily Beast. That’s all fine and good in concept, but after learning more about this rite, quite frankly, I’m worried about the optics of Big Lil moving this specific outdoor event into her private chambers, considering the modern, lawless Me Too era we find ourselves in.

Here’s the Beast:

The event, which usually sees the queen inspect a guard of honor at the gates of Balmoral Castle, will now take place “privately within the grounds of Balmoral” a royal source told The Daily Beast.
Last year, the event involved the queen inspecting a guard of honor, and meeting a tiny Shetland pony which is the official mascot of the Royal Regiment of Scotland.

I don’t think this “inspecting” of a guard needs to take place at all in this political climate, in private or otherwise. I’m sure the chap gets on just fine without a leering once-over from the Mistress of the Sea. Not to be all cancel culture, but wouldn’t it be easier to just not do it at all? This isn’t the 1800s, when queens could go around freely commenting on commoners’ willies left and right. But alas, the Queen’s lackeys seem to think this sacred ritual is essential for the functioning of the monarchy.

“The palace say that there is no question of the queen standing down, and it is only common sense that adaptations and adjustments for ‘comfort’ will be made to her schedule to allow for her to continue to attend as many events as possible,” the Beast reported.

Even if the Queen is hypothetically immune from prosecution, I still don’t think checking the girth of a man in uni serving her is an appropriate use of taxpayer dollars —and yeah, I’m just talkin’ about the tiny Shetland pony.