7 Chrimbo Gifts for the Kings and Queens in Your Life

Yes, you're obligated to get a gift for even the 5th-in-line

crimble jumpers

Chrimbo morning is almost here, but I have yet to see a single gift under the tree at Sandringham. I’m sure it’s difficult facing down the first holiday season without Lilibet Sr., but on the other hand I’m sure she was extremely annoying to shop for so that’s a bright spot. But what to get the remaining Mountbatten-Windsors, or anyone else you know who may act like them?

Luckily, I’ve got a gift guide for all the hard-to-shop-for kings, queens, and footservants in your life.

For the dad who just inherited the family business

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Hey, hey, Prince of Promotions! If dad climbed the corporate ladder in just 72 short years, owns the sea, and recently got the surprise of his life for his 73rd birthday when he was made an honorary park ranger, you might think he wants for nothing. Plus, he hates pens and at least one of his sons, so those ever-generative gifting ideas are out.

This is when gift guides of yore come in handy for the dad who loves organic. Go with a stone-cold classic and get Dad a bee. The Mountain Sweet Honey Italian Queen Bee retails for just $40 and comes with “3-5 attendant bees.” Will it remind him of his deceased mother? Well, Christmas is about family.

For the step-mom whose jewelry could use a refresh

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If the woke mob has precluded your father’s new wife from wearing the crown jewels she so rightly inherited under suspicious circumstances, why not get her a pair of replacement earrings that are just as beautiful as the Koh-I-Noor diamond, without all that political nonsense.

Offer her some coastal English seabed elegance with these Susan Alexandra shrimp cocktail earrings ($155). She may be a Queen Consort, but she’ll feel like a total prawncess.

For the uncle who “travels” a lot for “work”

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You’ve got him pegged! Traveling to Boston and back is a lot of work, and sleeping on a cramped commercial flight is hell on the joints and muscles. This Lelo remote control massager is on sale for just $164, and is sure to help alleged long-time country lover isn’t around and he’s stuck with his vanilla wife.

For the dumpy, frumpy Norfolk mum

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You can easily take the mum out of Norfolk and situate her at a fuckpad on Gran’s property with no room for the nanny or her bowler hat, but it’s going to take a little longer for her to get her groove back. A wardrobe makeover is just the trick.

I’d love to see any mum stuck in a rut take this $700 LaQuan Smith mesh and velvet catsuit for an official engagement at a hospital in Essex, or whatever. Plot twist queen of Real Housewives of Potomac Ashley Darby wore this look at a SUR-esque Miami Beach restaurant in a recent episode, and all I could think to myself was that this would be a great look for a silken-haired British princess with a particle board bod.

For the lady-in-waiting who suddenly has a lot of free time

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We all have that one weird old bag who stalks about the castle all the time. She surprised us by retiring earlier this month, and now all of her hanging out will be done off the clock. What’s a handmaiden to do with this hasty lifestyle change? Get into cooking? Learn how to use iPad?

Lady SH will be taking her tea to go from now on inside this cheeky, insulated $26.99 travel mug that says “YOU CAN’T SCARE ME I’M A RETIRED GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE.” It’s a gift with a message, too.

For the freelance civil rights activist sister-in-law

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Bummer alert before we get into it: Gloria Steinem is not on Cameo, so that’s out as a gift.

Now, when an iconoclast has something to say, she’s going to do whatever she can to spread the word of the truth. She’s already taken it to her pod, to her husband’s memoir, to her Netflix global event, and we stan for all those reasons.

But what about when she’s at the Montecito Country Mart, for example, rocking a chambray dress with no pockets and looking to be unsilenced? Or at the polo pitch, looking to do some sidelines reportage with a feminist bent? She needs a working miniature microphone, like this one $12 little number by Kikkerland, to pod at a moment’s notice. This mini megaphone is also a powerful propaganda tool, I’m sure.

For the girl dad #girldad


What does one get for a reformed bad boy who’s recently styled himself into something of an international literary ally to the oppressed, the poor, the girls, the young, the co-dependent, and the polo horses? Easy, a $480 Lingua Franca Peace on Earth cashmere in kelly green. And for his daughter, whom he loves just as much as his son? A coordinating, empowering $200 crewneck that says President [Child’s name] with the crossed-out word “Princess” sandwiched in between. It’s perfect for the little one whose title — but not her ambition — could be taken away by her grandfather at any second.