Prince Harry and Meghan Markle In Need of Friends With Guns

The author of Finding Freedom: Harry and Meghan and the Making of a Modern Royal Family and dream-job haver as Yahoo! News’s Royal Executive Editor Omid Scobie has an urgent plea today: Scotland Yard should allow Harry and Meghan a British friend with a gun. Perhaps a British yoga instructor with a gun, or a British nanny with a gun, even, and STAT. The Sussexes and their children are not safe when visiting the U.K., and they’re not safe at home in Montecito while a symbolically loaded mountain lion stalks their neighborhood. Their security alarm seems to be ringing constantly, likely annoying the bejeezus out of their neighbor Rob Lowe.

Here’s the gist: our flaming hot pissed Prince and Goodie Markle have no constitutional right to security in the UK since they stepped down as senior royals in February 2020. Call me a simp for this fabulous duo, but this doesn’t seem safe to me or Scobie: Harry’s nefarious teddy-sniffing jerkwad Uncle Lord Fauntleroy Andrew gets 24-hour police protection, after all, even though he’s been culled from that Jubbly balcony forever more by Big Willy, the new face of the monarchy, and their mother, Queen Gary. Surely he’s a bigger stain on the crazy clan than the Markles, no matter how many of their podcasts and children’s shows get canceled — and yet he gets to feel safe while they’re being hunted down by the cast of the live-action Lion King?

Harry filed a second lawsuit against the Home Office’s Royal and VIP Executive Committee (RAVEC), the British government organization that oversees royal security, on August 4. According to the New York Post, Harry wants to pay for private protection from Scotland Yard while in the UK, as his private security team in California doesn’t have the jurisdiction abroad. And it seems the RAVEC deciding committee, which includes notable anti-Harryite private secretary to the Queen Sir Edward Young, is fighting fluoride-free tooth and nail against Harry.

“Just a month before RAVEC’s conclusion [in the first lawsuit against the home office], Young - who has served Her Majesty for over 18 years - attempted to stop the Duke and Duchess of Sussex from meeting with the Queen when they made their decision to step back,” Scobie wrote. “Previously, I wrote that he may have been one of the reasons why Harry spoke earlier this year about making sure the ‘right people’ are around his grandmother.”

I’m obviously loving every morsel of this intergenerational grandmother-based legal feud between a rec league dad and this longtime caretaker for the agéd, but more important than that: the royals really are constantly under threat of violence. A 19-year-old was arrested and charged for treason after breaking onto the grounds of Windsor Castle as Camilla and Prince Charles joined the Queen to celebrate the birthday of her contemporary, Jesus Christ, last Christmas Day. According to Scobie, “Despite his chilling determination, the man barely managed a few steps before being tackled to the ground.”

The Sussexes need a tackler now, argued Scobie. Those magickal amulets and the explicit blessing of Oprah Winfrey have limits to their power. It’s time they go nuclear.