QUILF Elizabeth's Got a Smooth New Stick

And he’s fresh from the army: awooga

Pool/Max Mumby/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
order of the garter belt

The Queen sure loves her turgid rods. Her late husband’s stick was having somewhat of a vampy social season with the Queen of Swingland, flitting from balcony to jubbly and back again. But he couldn’t best the Jubbly balcony, and now he’s on rest cure, which is a polite way of saying its bumpkin ass was sent to Balmoral, or he’s banished to Princess Margaret’s Mustique estate,taking in surf, sand, and pouring scorn upon the luggage porters.

Then there was the stag horn stick, of course… Need I say more? I always do. She feted it, wined it, and dined it at a fabulous gala meant to raise awareness for the concept of horses. But wild stallions like the Queen don’t commit, and she moved the hell on.

In its absence, our hot Grandmum’s got a new stick friend (as pictured in embedded tweet below; the photo above is of 2019’s celebration, due to restrictive Getty Images access we do not have legal access to it) and he isn’t afraid of a black-tie dress code. Today, at the annual Order of the Garter ceremony at St. George’s Chapel today, Lil, gorgeous in a ball gown, flaunted a smooth-handled marble little number. And it’s got pedigree and a bellicose nature. Aye aye, guvnah!

“​​Her majesty was using a walking stick made of light wood with a metal clasp and a smooth marble handle, believed to be a gift from the Armed Forces as part of her Jubilee celebrations earlier this month,” the Daily Mail reports.

For some reason that I refuse to look into further, Prince Charles and his Queen consort Camilla were dressed like econ professors at a liberal arts school graduation ceremony, but with the addition of nooses around their necks. But neither those two lunatics — nor Camilla’s floppy fashion hat — could outshine aformal stick like this. Her arm candy’s lookin’ pretty tasty.

What does Maj’s new boyfriend/cousin the Duke of Kent think!? Probably, “Right fit stick, Liz. May I borrow it for a spell? I have to pop to the loo.”

Much like Lilibet herself, the stick wants to keep its options open — both ways, if you know what I mean. Such a saucy minx it is.