Queen's Official Cause of Death Exactly What We Feared

The National Records of Scotland released the Queen’s official cause of death, and it’s just what we suspected: a fatal mix of party drugs.

I guess I’m kidding around here. Her Majestina, according to the Scottish government, officially died of “old age” on September 8 at 3:10 p.m., murdered by time. The death certificate is still a lot of fun. It’s a standard, poorly spaced PDF that I’m sure all involved parties had trouble filling out. You think Princess Anne, the “informant” of death, knows how to DocuSign?

The file identifies the sovereign as the widowed “Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Windsor,” whose occupation is “Her Majesty the Queen.” Her home address is simply “Windsor Castle, Windsor.” When you put it all down on paper like that, the Queen doesn’t seem so different from you or I in death, does she? Of course, she was probably autopsied in a bra and a canary yellow skirt suit rather than a white sheet (hat on, too), and they kept her husband on ice for over a year because he couldn’t be buried before she was, so I guess maybe there’s a few differences. I’m keeping my bra on during my autopsy, too, though – it’s in my will. Nobody gets to see the goods for free.

And nobody makes it out of Balmoral alive.