Cry for Help? Queen Encodes Secret Message in Stick

Let’s see what our girl has to say

LONDON, ENGLAND - OCTOBER 07: Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Edward, Earl of Wessex during the Baton ...
Samir Hussein/WireImage/Getty Images

Queen Elizabeth sent a secret message across the world, sort of, and now it’s time to huddle up under a blanket and read it via flashlight like Bastian in The Neverending Story. How lucky we are to be alive, much like Childlike Empress the Queen herself, on this blessed day.

The message traveled via hollowed-out stick, paying homage to both the Queen’s Stick Girl heritage and to her love of secrets. Our beloved old ma’am wrote the classified document in October of 2021. Here she is signing it:

After the mini madame gave it her official autograph, the letter set off on its 90,000-mile journey in a baton for the purpose of, according to People, “officially launch[ing] the Queen's Baton Relay ahead of the XXII Commonwealth Games in Birmingham.” OK.

This baton relay started in 1958, and at that point only went through England. It has since expanded its trip to, again according to People, a “294-day journey to all 72 nations and territories of the Commonwealth.” It seems to be a ripoff version of the Olympic Torch Relay, which started in 1936. (The Queen’s eggy buthole v. the Olympic egg bite, if you will.)

“OKAY WHAT’S THE SECRET MESSAGE????” you’re screaming, and my friend, I hear you loud and clear — there’s no need to shout. I’m as eager to read the secret message as you are. What could be contained within? Gossip, do you think? A racist cartoon? An admission of guilt to a crime so heinous she could only confess in a baton that she assumed would surely be delivered posthumously?

Prince Charles read the secret aloud at the opening ceremony of the Commonwealth Games in Birmingham on Thursday, and here it is now, for your eyes only. Please do not read on a public computer and attempt as best you can to shield your screen from all onlookers.

“On October 7th last year, this specially created Baton left Buckingham Palace to travel across the Commonwealth. Over the past 294 days, it has carried not only my message to you, but also the shared hopes and dreams of each nation and territory through which it passed, as it made its way to Birmingham.”

Okay, boring so far.

“Over the years, the coming together of so many for the 'Friendly Games' has created memorable shared experiences, established long standing relationships, and even created some friendly rivalries!

Maybe getting somewhere with the family rivalries?

“But above all they remind us of our connection with one another, wherever we may be in the world, as part of the Commonwealth family of nations.”

Boring. Doesn’t even apply to me.

“Tonight, in the words of the founder of the Games, we embark once again on a novel adventure here in Birmingham, a pioneering city which has drawn in and embraced so many throughout its history. It is a city symbolic of the rich diversity and unity of the Commonwealth, and one which now welcomes you all in friendship.”


“My warmest thanks go to all those who have worked so hard to ensure the success of this particularly special sporting event, and I wish each athlete and team every success. Your hard work and dedication, particularly in recent times, have been an inspiration to all of us.”

BORING! Oh my god what is so secret about this? “My warmest thanks go to all those who have worked so hard to ensure the success of this particularly special sporting event” — this is supposed to be a secret message? Some of the dullest shit I’ve ever read. Really disappointed in the Queen. Honestly fuck this.