Queen of Lean Soft Launches New Stick

It's her new toyboy

Britain's Queen Elizabeth II arrives for the "A Gallop Through History" Platinum Jubilee celebration...
the shaft

Nurse, stop the presses! Patient needs 100 CCs of Greek and Danish stick, STAT. Whatever you’re reading, put it down, even if I or one of my beloved woman colleagues wrote it. The Queen, better known to you Americans as the “Defender of the Faith and Supreme Governor of the Church of England,” has done something unholy. And sort of slutty. And I’m saying that as a feminist. And a monarchist. And — and this will make sense in a moment — a hobbyist whittler. Yes, we exist. Get used to it.

The Queen forsook her late husband Prince Philip’s beloved cane for a sexier, stronger, stickier model, according to the Daily Mail. It’s made of stag horn, and as such, she’s stagged the horn right out of the greatest love story ever told, that between a horse-girl queen and some random, penniless prince who was addicted to the sea. Since his death last April, Phil’s stick has been the célèbre of the Queen’s vast stable, a testament to his stability and unerring support for his more-successful wife.

“The monarch is thought to have taken to using the stick during her stay at Wood Farm, the cottage on the Sandringham estate where the Duke spent his retirement,” the Daily Mail reported at the time.

Guess all that went kerplunk when the Queen trotted herself out on the red carpet amongst A-listers such as Dame Helen Mirren, Tom Cruise, and her very own steeds at the Royal Windsor Horse Show. The Mail reported last night’s gala event was made possible by 1,300 human performers and 600 horses, which is 200 times more horses than she had competing in the show earlier in the weekend. Someone finally got out of her Range Rover, I see?

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The Mail said, “Staghorn walking sticks are usually used to blend into natural surroundings when walking outdoors.” But baby? The Queen’s new baton looks like it was made to stick out. It’s the ultimate hand candy, and the girl wants to show off the new man girding her. It boasts a uniquely forked handle and a long, smooth shaft. I wouldn’t kick this stick out of bed in the morning, is all I’m saying, even if it was offering to make me a full English brekkie. This stick is a Jason Momoa, while Prince Philip’s stick was sort of more of a Tom Holland type (or, and I hate to say it, a Prince Philip type). It’s an upgrade, for sure, but at what cost? She’s a mother and a grandmother.

Adding insult to recovering from injury: she tossed the stick to the side and walked without it, like so many of her discarded boyfriends. Love ’em and leave ’em, Lil? Sticks, I mean?

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