Queen Mum Permits Little Lord Pervert Son to Keep One Title

Lilibet relented because he was being so freaking emo about it

Britain's Prince Andrew, Duke of York, speaks during a television interview outside the Royal Chapel...
his royal anus

Since Prince Andrew the Glandless settled his sexual assault case for an undisclosed sum with one of Jeffrey Epstein’s dozens of trafficking victims, Big Mummy Lilibet stripped him of his military titles and his “His Royal Highness” status. At one point, it looked like she wasn’t even going to intervene when he was putting his Swiss ski chalet up for collateral, which is total bosh.

But Queen Mum, who likely paid out Andrew’s purported $16 million settlement with Epstein victim Virginia Giuffre, does hate to see her jobless 62-year-old Gordonstoun grad frittering away his days with nothing to do but cry into the bosom of his favorite teddies and make the live-in help’s jobs living hell. Even for a stern Mummy dearest, that must be right annoying, innit?

Plus, she can’t help but feel a touch sorry for the little git bearing her beloved late husband’s bone structure. A source who served with Andrew during the Falklands War told the Mirror that the Duke of York “is down, he is broken. If he wants to dress up once in a while in a naval uniform, then let him.”

That gave Mum an idea. She relented: Little Andy can have ONE of his war medals back. Yes, he can be a Vice Admiral, as long as he acts like a good boy and promises to use the correct fork while eating his aubergine course and another to eat his pheasant, gets thirty minutes of cardio per day, and promises to absolutely never, ever, ever engage in sex with a trafficked minor again. If he behaves, Mum may just get him another fluffy stuffie as an ickle reward.