Prince William to Celebrate English Bar Mitzvah

It's when you turn 40 and the Queen throws you a party

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King Wombat

Happy 40th birthday to the eternally youthful William, my Prince of Pallor!

Today, he’s celebrating with his two best friends, his wife and his grandmother.

The Queen’s big gift to William? A joint party later this summer for him and his old bat bride Catherine Middleton, who turned 40 last January but celebrated quietly due to the party-pooping effects of the novel coronavirus. (Unlike her grandmother-in-law’s worst employee Boris Johnson.) An Amazon shopping cart filled with $40 bees, Gawker’s favorite Father’s Day gift, probably would have sufficed, but a delayed multipurpose reception rocks, too.

The last time the Queen fêted her eldest grandbébé in such a way was for his 18th, when he had to celebrate alongside the tragically elderly Prince Andrew (40), Queen Anne (50), and Princess Margaret (70). So, the Queen’s got a lot to make up for — and she might not even show. It’s always a bummer when the most popular girl in Anglican mass is wishy-washy on the RSVP. According to Hello, “The Queen, 96, will decide whether to attend on the day of the party due to her ongoing mobility issues.”

In the meantime, she’ll hold her meetings with the royal party planner on Google Meets. The show must go on, mobility issues be damned. I’m thinking tone-deaf dancing, kiddie slides, and word games are in order!

Meanwhile, William’s father’s heartbreaking gift for his kid? A heartfelt Instagram carousel in which all the photos are opportunities for Prince Charles to look handsome-adjacent if you squint your eyes just so. So sweet.

And there’s more! William gave back to his community by hawking news periodicals (hey, like me!) alongside normals and poors in Undercover Boss garb. According to CNN, “He swapped his royal garb for a red vendor jacket and took to the streets of London to sell The Big Issue magazine, which offers employment opportunities to people in poverty.”

In an essay for the mag, the Prince wrote about how he was almost no longer a child now that he was on the precipice of his fourth decade.

William wrote, "And while I may seem like one of the most unlikely advocates for this cause, I have always believed in using my platform to help tell those stories and to bring attention and action to those who are struggling. I plan to do that now that I'm turning 40, even more than I have in the past."

Aw, he’s a kid at heart! And also financially speaking.

His estranged brother Harry has yet to publicly wish him a good one, mate, or buy him a gift, for all I know. May I also suggest a $40 bee?