The Queen Is Alive and Releasing a Dog Perfume

She had 60 corgis

A picture released in London on February 4, 2022, and taken last month, shows Britain's Queen Elizab...
le lab-o

Stick girl and computer hacker Queen Elizabeth II is branching out in the twilight of her youth. It appears her last real wish on earth is to develop a musk for dogs, retailing for $13.53 in the gift shop of her Sandringham Estate. According to People, Happy Hounds Dog Cologne is a “unisex” fragrance that “can be used on male and female dogs.” Very progressive, very Milk Makeup, very downtown Shoreditch cool.

Now, you might be asking, is Happy Hounds Dog Cologne a scent for dogs or for dog lovers? Grow up, you doddering idjit! It’s meant to “infuse pampered pooches with the rich aroma of coastal walks,” according to The Sun. To the queen, this means the heady note of bergamot. It comes in a spray bottle rather than an atomizer like most other high-end scents, but I trust that the queen was totally hands-on (stick callback) in the lab with this one and must have her reasons for every creative decision. I’m hearing reports straight from Sandringham that this was tested on Andrew….because he’s a total dog. Ha, ha, hahaha! The allegations against that total dog are of course very serious.

Will I buy this for my own dog Mars, who is a thoughtful, interior Korean jindo mix but smells nothing like bergamot and has never even been on a coastal walk, I don’t think? Obviously. No word on if the lecherous jubilee-snubbing Meghan and Harry have used it on their chickens.