Queen Coffin Dinner Reunites Estranged Royal Family

(Passive aggressively) pass the steak and kidney pie

LONDON, ENGLAND - SEPTEMBER 14: (L-R) King Charles III, Princess Anne, Princess Royal, Prince Andrew...
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Queen Your Plate

I can’t keep track of all this pomp and circumstance surrounding the Queen’s dumpy frumpy old coffin: She’s vibing in Scotland, then she’s on the most-tracked airplane ride of all time, then she’s tearing down the streets of London courtesy of some baby-faced beefeaters, and now she’s “lying in state” at Westminster. Lying in state? Sounds like some British pols I know! Just a little cheek to keep the mood up, which, last time I checked, wasn’t illegal in America during the state-mandated Lil mourning period.

But the most arcane of British traditions seems to have happened last night, when the Queen’s immediate family put aside their differences for a good, old-fashioned Queen Coffin Dinner. According to CNN, Princess Markle and her bridegroom Harry dined at Buckingham Palace after the late Queen’s casket arrived, alongside Charles, Camilla, Prince William, and some other miscellaneous randos who bear the family jaw.

At the Mountbatten-Windsor Queen Coffin Dinner, hosted by the new monarch Charles, the fambam supped, likely using the coffin as a sturdy, ceremonial table. I imagine they deployed some icebreakers to break the tension. “If you could invite anyone, living or dead, to a dinner party, who would it be?” Charles definitely asked Meghan, reading off of a notecard written using a fountain pen that he had to choke out a servant to get to work. Meghan’s answer would have obviously been “the Queen,” followed closely by her tether Nelson Mandela. And then they all presumably tucked into an Eton Mess pudding course.

No cameras were allowed in the palace for the private pasta party, but a photo from outside of the house shows Charles, Meghan, and Harry laughing it up.

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Wow, Meghan looks just like Lilibet Diana! Looks like everything’s copacetic now. No bad vibes allowed at Queen Coffin Dinner. And no soy or nut products. Meghan eats very clean.