Queen Being Passed Around Like a Tray of Appetizers

Too many engagements for the old stick girl

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weary wives of windsor

Early this spring, the Queen was rehomed to a big farm in the countryside so she could live out her golden days in peace, comfort, and corgi. This move seemed a bit premature to me, considering her Platinum Jubbly was fast-approaching. The adoring public needed her in London, where the #LizFans are waiting, torn ticket stubs in hand, to glimpse her regal wrinkles from 500,000 yards away from the royal balcony.

Peace and comfort, the Queen’s arse! As was inevitable, Lil’s handlers just can’t stop jostling this eternal eldmother around like a sleeve of McVities digestive biscuits smushed in the bottom of a rucksack. Just in the past month, the Firm’s trotted the precious pensioner out to a garden show, a tunnel, a gala with 600 horses, a clandestine moment, and a state visit with the president of Switzerland. Basically, she’s been everywhere but Parliament.

According to the Daily Mail, she’s had quite a few days, even with her mobility issues and, infamously, a rigor mortis-induced stick reliance.

“The 96-year-old monarch was pictured giving a wave to a group of children as she rolled up to Windsor Castle in a dark green Range Rover, her canine companion sitting on the back seat. Less than two hours earlier, Her Majesty had been spotted at Aberdeen Airport in Scotland, where she boarded a plane back to Berkshire to take part in the four-day Jubilee celebrations,” the Mail reported.

And yet “royal superfans” have already started camping out on the Mall for the London celebrations, a grueling 25-minute golf cart ride away from Windsor. The engagements will be labor intensive, including the Epsom derby, a pageant, and a parade through the city streets.

It’s like they’re plying her with gin and Dubonnet and pushing her out onto the cobblestones, despite her wishes to be left alone. Did anyone even check with her that she wanted to be a part of the Jubbly? Couldn’t they just stuff this highly realistic knitted QEII with a little extra corgi bum fluff than is usual for the weekend and place that up on the stupid balcony?

Joe Giddens - PA Images/PA Images/Getty Images
Joe Giddens - PA Images/PA Images/Getty Images

Or put Prince Edward’s acting chops to the test and get the guy in drag?

Just leave her be or have the decency to use a deepfake.