The U.N. Reduced to a Royal Family Grievance-Airing Forum

Sort this out in a family group chat please

MILTON KEYNES, ENGLAND - SEPTEMBER 26: Prince William, The Duke of Cambridge speaks on a podium to g...
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Prince Wombat and his estranged world poker champ brother Harry are waging war against each other again, though this time it’s under the guise of peace, love, and climate-change prevention at the United Nations.

As you may remember, last month Hague survivor Harry moved foreign dignitaries to tears with a groundbreaking U.N. speech about Meghan Markle’s bermuda shorts on Nelson Mandela Day. You may also remember that Meghan was the real “hero” of the General Assembly for handing a coughing lady a bottle of water. Mayor Eric Adams, a superstar D.J. who was emceeing the event, declared it Goody Markle Day at the U.N., and the entire city pinned bodega carnations to their lapels and wept into their Mets and/or Yankees hats, followed by lunch at Just Salad and karaoke at a place on 48th St.

It was a magickal night of peace-brokering that couldn’t be replicated. Unless…The Duke of Cambridge gives it a whirl. According to the Daily Mail, Prince William is traveling to New York in September and his trip will likely include a stop at the U.N. General Assembly to raise awareness about climate change. Honey, we know about it already, but OK, do your thing, make your little brother flaming-hot pissed again if you must.

The Mail reported, “During the trip, Prince William plans to meet Michael Bloomberg, the former New York City Mayor and American philanthropist who sits on the board of the Duke’s Earthshot Prize.”

The second annual Earthshot Prize, of course, is inspired by John F. Kennedy’s Moonshot Prize initiative to get a man on the moon. William will bestow the honor to the most daring Chowderheads on the planet in Boston this year.

Usually when my siblings and I are fighting we usually just subtweet each other or steal $40 from each other’s tote bags, but dueling U.N. speeches work too. And maybe, it might save us all…. Probably not, though. Only the Queen can do that, and she’s inside.