Prince Andrew Has "Covid"

Pretty convenient timing for the wettest worm in the Commonwealth

CARDIFF, UNITED KINGDOM - FEBRUARY 24: HRH Duke of York attends the Pitch at Palace event at Tramshe...
Matthew Horwood/Getty Images News/Getty Images
sick puppy

Prince Andrew has allegedly contracted Covid-19, which is a rare but not unheard of comorbidity associated with his lifelong battle with alleged pedophilia. And on the kickoff to Jubbly weekend, of all days? He had commitments to his country to fulfill, like standing in a crowded royal overflow room behind Meghan Markle at the Trooping of the Colour.

But alas, Andrew the Sweaty Nonce “has tested positive for Covid and will no longer attend the Queen’s jubilee service of thanksgiving at St. Paul’s cathedral on Friday,” according to the Guardian. Buckingham Palace is reporting that the Queen hasn’t seen her wriggling little worm spawn since he tested positive for the virus.

I’m not suggesting that a teddy-humping halfwit stripped by Mum of all his royal titles might be faking a Covid diagnosis to preserve a little dignity for the family — actually, I’m asserting it outright. We’ve all done worse for less. This is exactly like when Christine Quinn couldn’t go to the Selling Sunset reunion because she allegedly tested positive for Covid, but was spotted poolside with Real Housewives of New Jersey’s Melissa Gorga two days later.

Wishing you a mind-numbing quarantine at the highly flammable and soon-to-be foreclosed Crime Chalet, scrub!