Pervy Prince Andrew is Mounting a Comeback

And dry-humping a teddy bear, I’d bet

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garter martyr

Reports indicate that Prince Andrew is currently on one: According to the Daily Beast, an imperial imbroglio on Monday led to the Duke of York’s latest botched grand attempt at re-entering the clown college (er… clown uni) known as the British royal family. The disgraced third-born had made preparations to rock the damp, molded red carpet at the Queen’s sexy, sultry Order of the Garter ceremony, but was banished at the last minute despite being the arrogant teddy-humper being a Mummy-made member of the sex club since 2006.

A long-time Sweet Babybaby of Mama Lili-B and nobody else in the world, Andrew is desperately trying to reintroduce himself into royal life in the “small window of opportunity to act” before the HBIC’s death, per the Beast. The Queen might think her littlest prince is worth a $12-million investment, but the heirs to the throne, brother Charles and nephew William, allegedly hate his flat, sorry ass, and also his bad personality.

Although Monday’s plan ultimately flopped, the gormless wet worm in a top hat isn’t wasting two days jerking it around this time: Mum’s still alive (probably), and a friend told the Beast that her Maj is like “putty in his hands.”

“He is the favorite son and he goes to visit her for a cup of tea and says, ‘But mummy…’ and he wins her round,” the friend said, which explains why Lilibet allowed Andrew’s prep for Garter Day to go on for so long. The Beast also reported that during the royal pervert’s time as a pretend trade envoy for the Crown, “he always needed a bigger suite, or a guy carrying a 6-foot ironing board for him.”

I do hope, for the sake of my proclivity for British comedies of manners in a post-Jubbly era, that Andrew keeps trying to show up for stuff. It looks like tomorrow his sister Anne, the Princess Royal, will be attending the Fishmongers’ Company’s 750th Anniversary of the Royal Charter Reception at Fishmongers’ Hall in London. That could be the perfect place for the chum to start.