Oh, But Lilibet Needs Her Cousins

I love my cousins. My cousin Heidi helped me learn to read, and Carly taught me how to tell jokes. Grace is younger and hotter than me and knows all the cool pants to wear. Anna is a back-up dancer for Kim Petras. Nicholas knows so much about different strains of cannabis. And that’s just a few of my cousins.

Cousins, I think you’ll agree, are the lifeblood of any family unit, both noble-born and of the dirt. They sure are for mine, and we’re just a bunch of randos from Chicago; the fate of no commonwealth rests on our broad shoulders, and our grandma isn’t the Queen (not to bring the mood down here, but she isn’t even alive). No matter — we’ll always have each other, cousins in arms.

So when I read on Page Six that Kate Middleton and Prince William reportedly did not introduce their charming little aristocrats to their new ginger cousin Lilibet Mountbatten-Windsor Jr., something didn’t sit right with me.

“William and Kate made no effort at all to introduce Prince George, Princess Charlotte and Prince Louis to [Lilibet], a royal expert named Christopher Andersen said, via Us Weekly. “As far as I know, nobody believes they spoke [to each other],” he continued.

Of all the tragedies to befall the House of Windsor, this may be the worst. Georgie, Char, and Lou need their cousins, especially the one who is currently a baby. Who else are they going to ask, “So… how’s work going?” twice a year between the months of November and December at family get-togethers? Who else is going to bring a new boyfriend (or girlfriend) who they will accidentally keep calling by the name of last year’s take-home suitor? Their random Tindall cousins once removed? Their scary Great-Uncle Andrew, who, by the way, seems to have recovered from his Jubbly-defying Covid-19 and is doing quite well vrooming about in his Range Rover? No way in sodding hell!