Now That's Queen Shit: She's Selling Sticks

For £55 a pop, you too can be Stick Girl

Max Mumby/Indigo/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
mission accomplished

I hereby declare an emergency meeting of the shadowy network of rod-wielding freaks that are known to few but rumored to exist by many, The International Stick Girl Cabal: The Queen of England, our syndicate’s primeval girlie girl with that almighty elemental rod firmly in her wizened hand, is now selling sticks for money.


The Daily Mail reports that the gift shop at the Queen’s Sandringham Estate in Norfolk has lined their stick buckets with £55 handmade walking sticks made of locally sourced hazel, ash, and yew woods. They look gorgeous, knobby, pointy, inflexible, and supportive, as any good stick should.

“Not two of the sticks are alike as they both are made of an unique blend, in a stag horn shape that has been favored by the Queen in the past,” wrote the Mail’s Claire Toureille (one of 45 prerequisites of joining the Stick Clique is being bestowed with the name Claire at birth).

To say that stag horn is “favored” by Lilibet Sr. is the biggest understatement of the last 70 years: after a brief I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T moment (She got her own horse! She got her own golf cart!), the Queen trotted out her latest toy boy, a staghorn shaft, to a gala last month, impressing all 600 horses who were in attendance, plus Tom Cruise, which is a real feat.

Chris Jackson/Chris Jackson Collection/Getty Images

And yet, the Quilf showed off a new bit of arm candy weeks later at the Jubbly: a dashing stick in uniform, a gift from the British army. Damn girl, don’t hurt ‘em. And stay safe yourself. Maybe try two sticks at once, honey Queen!

I, unfortunately, live in the States and it doesn’t seem like I can order one of these charming pokers for myself via the Sandringham Royal Estate’s e-shop for a Consumerism Report, though it looks like I can buy Pink Jubbly Gin, Clotted Cream Fudge, and a Wooden Honey Dipper that I might be able to whittle down into a stick for a QE2 Funko Pop (purchased separately). If you live in the UK, or better yet, live in a grace-and-favor home on Sandringham Estate and can get a stick or five to me, I promise you can be a part of the cabal.

Meeting adjourned.